Damn, what a roller-coaster evening this has been thus far. I've gotten more hits today than I did during the blogathon. I even made my way up to the 5th page on clix!!! Can you believe it? I can't. I'm currently listed on the same page as one of my favorite favorites, Fadein. It's like I'm chillin' with superstars. Sure J-lo, I think you look fine in that dress... Oh, hey Gwen! Yeah, you really rock that lipstick. Oh, what happened this week? Oh, well, my traffic went over 5,000 hits, and It looks like I'm getting a hundred some odd hits a day. Yeah, I'd love to try some of that... uh... stuff, Emril! Hey dad, how ya been lately? Yeah. How cool am I? Well, anyway, I said that this evening has been a rollercoaster. Well, as usual I did a breif amount of worrying about how to present my feelings to Frank, again, and while my mom was using my computer he IMed me. "Yay!" says my emotions intially, and then, "Boo," as I read what he typed. I'm not going to repeat it, as it's his personal buisness and this is not his diary. But I'll tell you that it's not completly devestating, it doesn't pertain to "He and I," and I'm quite sure he has more than 30 days to live. Well, that is barring car accidents, disgruntled customers, and homicidal ex-girlfriends. What he said was actually quite a bummer. He sounded like it had really effected him. It sounded like he's going to be upset for a while. Frank is a really emotional guy, and he often lets things get the best of him. If only he wouldn't let things eat him up, he'd be a lot happier. A lot of unhappy things happen to him, and he's had a fairly rough life, however he really lets that eat himself up. I really wish I could find a way to cheer him up. When he gets upset it really effects me too, but I try not to get overly emotional, because he doesn't need that. I'll proabally pester him later on this evening, and get him to laugh about silly things. Plus, I selfishly want to call his cell phone, because I'm curious to hear his Holoween message. Frank said a few days ago that he was going to put a new message on his cell phone. Now, Frank, in general, is a really funny guy, and has that whole comedic timing thing down to a T. He's had a couple of good messages in the past, and he claims that the holoween one is pretty good. When I was in the car with him and Noy the other day, he was telling us that he likes to change his voicemail message for every season. He has a holoween, thanksgiving, and christmas one. I'm honestly looking forward to hearing these messages. Well, anyhoo, I have a job interview tomorrow morning, and I have to buy gas for my mom's car so that I'll be able to drive out there, and still get home. Well, thanks for reading! Love and adoration Pam
So, that weird looking entry below this one was about my telephone interview with Electronics Boutique. It went really well, however I'm not sure if I'll get the job or not just yet. I'm hoping that I do, because I'm qualified, and from what the guy said, it should be a cake job after the first month or so. For a week or two, I was a smidge worried about mentioning to any of my Game Stop friends that I had applied for a job at EB. Then, after some thought, the facts rolled themselves out and I realized that the only guy who works for Game Stop and hates EB is Darrell, and he's kind of silly anyway. I chatted with Frank last night, and he asked me about my interview. He was never actually informed that I was having an interview with them. I have mentioned it to him in passing once or twice, but lately I've been trying to shut up and listen when he (and anyone else, for that matter) talks. (Me me me, I I I, Me me me. This is the sound of one Pam talking.) So, we chatted, and he asked about the interview. He actually asked me like, all these questions, and it felt like he was all interested and stuff. It's a good feeling. Anyway, I told him how it went, and recommended that he apply for a position there as well. He got his application on. The position as buyer looks like one he'd be great for, and it also looked like something he'd enjoy. He's a fairly organized person, and it'll give him an opportunity to manage himself more than a bunch of other shmucks. It'd be really cool if I could convince all of my friends to apply for jobs at EB, and we started working at the corporate office out in west Chester. That'd be cool, as well as a lot of fun. I've never really worked anywhere with a group of people who all knew each other prior to employment. Frank knew Darrell before they started game stop, and they've remained pretty good friends. I dig that kind of stuff. Good friends who hang out together, and work together are just damn cool. Frank and John have known each other for a long time, but weather they knew each other prior to Game Stoppage remains a mystery. Tomorrow is going to be an awesome day. I might not come to work, depending on how long the interview is, and how easily it is to get back to work from West Chester. I also have singing lessons tomorrow, which means that tonight, I have a lot of catching up to do. I've been practicing all week, but trying to perfect four songs at once is difficult. Between a crappy memory, and an intense laziness, things are difficult. I'll get to drive by myself for most of the day, which is always so much fun. Driving is one of those passions that doesn't get enough attention in my life. Buying a car would probably give driving the correct amount of attention, but hell, I need to pay the bills that already slip through the door. Another thing that needs to happen is a serious conversation with Frank. He has to be tired of this conversation. The thing is, his mindset has changed significantly since the last time we had the "Relationship? Friendship? Fuckbuddyship?" conversation. So, waiting shall cease. Ugh, I'm bleeding. You know... Girls bleed once a month. It's rather disgusting, man. There's no easy way to take care of that. AND I STAIN MY SHEETS EVERY MONTH. Without fail, I'll wake up in the morning and see a blood stain on my sheets. It's unnerving. I wish I could just buy a diaper to wear at night, so that I don't have to worry about having gross sheets. What if this Frank thing does work out, and we wanna get intimate, and I have clean smelling sheets with auburn colored stains on them? That's embarrassing, and not particularly considerate. I have so much to say right now, but I have no way to really express it. It's a difficult feeling. Road block after road block after road block. Yeah, well, we'll see. I'll come back crying to my journal after I get told, "we should just be friends," or "why jeopardize our friendship?" I don't think people realize how emotional I am. The idea of just walking up to each person I know, one at a time, and crying for no reason at all sounds terribly appealing. While the tears stream down, and splatter onto the ground, I'd fumble over the words, "Nuh nuh no one takes me suh suh seriously... I HAVE EMOTIONS GODDAMNIT!" and freak them the fuck out. Heh, that'd almost be worth losing a friend or two over, just to see the expressions on their faces. It's been such a long time since someone else's shoulder was home to my tears. I don't even cry much anymore. Goddamn, now I'm going to go home and start crying when I realize that I still have no fucking furniture. Me = rather pathetic. Well, this has gotten long enough. I'm outtie. Love and adoration, Pam
Numb. That about sums it up. A rather numb day is passing me by, and it doesn't even suck as badly as I'm making it out to be. I want to be perused by cool boy. The gods, or energies or whatever must think that it's so cool to watch me squirm. Always being openly desired by the boys who are friends, and never even being considered by the boys that are magnetic. Maybe I should shut the fuck up and count my blessings, because there actually boys who are interested in me. It's just depressing that the ones who I would prefer are always such tough catches. I could, right now, call either Crazian John or Keman, and say, "Be my boyfriend," and that'd be that. But then there's guys like Frank, and well, at this point he's all I've got in his category. WOO HOO!! I just got back in from the telephone interview with home-skillet from EB. He wants to interview me in person!!!!! Okay, I'm ooookay. LOL, funny conversation: face="blue">MiKiM3o3: face="blue">MiKiM3o3: see what happens after the interview could handle customers and stuff support person for about 1000 stores, and their internal people face="blue">MiKiM3o3: that'll be cool if you had all that responsibility face="blue">MiKiM3o3: they'll really need you then I make now face="blue">MiKiM3o3: were you like, "peanuts" I should have said that. Good point mike, I'll keep that one in mind. Love and adoration, Pam
Damnit, If I wasn't fucked up before, I sure am now. I am seriously going to stop seeking help in starting relationships from people who have fucked up ones. Speaking with John always proves to be entertaining, but I hate it. I hate it when I talk to the guy and he wants to get with me. I hate it when he coninces me to talk to Frank.... because I want to talk to him, but I have this shy candy coating. It's all rather frightning. I'm scared. Yes I'm scared. Sooooo scared. I fear rejection like Osama Bin Laden fears an angry mob of American mothers who all had their periods, on the fourth of July. I don't know what Frank is going to say to me, and I'm overthinking EVERYTHING. It doesn't help that I myself, am on the rag at the moment. I'm a big giant ball of emotional... shit. It's 3 am and I'm awake because I foolishly drank a bottle of sweetened Iced Tea at midnight. Fool! I'm sitting here, listening to Tom Petty, *yes, pam digs tom petty* and wondering that if in a month or so if I'll have a boyfriend. I'm so lonely. I don't want to search around, I want to select the boy I already like, and start making my moves. Frank has already gotten a good glimpse of Full Frontal Pam, so bearing my emotions shouldn't prove too difficult. So long as I get the oppertunity to bear said emotions in a public place, so as I'm not too embarrased. Honestly, I don't know what to do. I haven't felt this shy since I was about 13 or 14 when I was soooo in love with Michael Cook. What is it with blue eyed boys? They just leave me star-struck. Well, this should prove to be a strange week. I'm going to try to go to bed. Love and adoration, Pam
I kick ASS I'm the rainbow Goddess!!!! Damn right!! alt="My inner Goddess is Rainbow-colored!" border="0">
Yo! How was your weekend? I hope it went pretty well. It's always good to hear that other people are having fun. :-) My weekend was okay. I bet you can pretty much guess what I did, for the most part. I went to an audition and 1/2. I auditioned for this community theater thing which, to be honest, I don't have time to do. Well, I don't have any time- barring my quitting this job and working part time at some lesser position and starve like a good artist. I'd love to quit my job and start acting, and living like a bum, however, I'm very comfortable with 31 grand a year, and am only looking to move up. One day I'll get some balls and move away from here, but until then, I'll be drudging along as a 9 to 5 shmuck like everyone else. I also went to an audition for the Real World, which was nothing like you'd imagine it'd be like. First of all, there weren't really a ton of people there. Second of all, even though they were all different races, ages, genders, and heights-- they all looked the same: young, good skin, somewhat suburban in their speech, dressed out of urban outfitters, Express, the Gap, and Old Navy (the boys were mostly old navy) and they all looked spoiled rotten. Yes, enjoy the fun that is general sweeping statements! I got to the audition fairly late, it wasn't a big deal to me though, because honestly, I don't want to be on the real world. I've worked to hard at my interpersonal relationships to blow them all by talking about my friends, sexual experiences, etc on national television. Once I got there, I saw the sea of lipstick and hair gel. That's about when my self confidence started to disappear. Not about getting on the show, but just in general. Seeing all of these people, who more than likely always look like carbon copies of each other made me think. I have no style whatsoever. I'm like, a serious walking fashion no-no. I wanna be an actor, and I have no sense of style.... That's kinda funny. So, I stand there in this 100+ person deep line, at around noon. I figured I'd be inside within an hour or so. As the idea of talking to some of my line-mates, this MTV guy (I guess he worked for MTV, or the production studio that makes the real world) came by our section of the line and is handing out these post-card size pieces of paper, and he said to us, "Did you guys hear that?" The line responded by a rousing head shake "No." The MTV guy goes, "I told those guys up there that we've passed out 500 applications, and we know that we can see those 500 people. You guys are about 50 people behind everyone who already has an application, so you may be seen, but the people behind you might not be." Cuss words came from quite a few members of our end-of-line group. I considered leaving right away, because I'd rather spend a day standing up at Game Stop with people I know I like than spend a day standing up with strangers. At least when I'm spouting online, I figure not -everyone- I know reads this on a regular basis. That frees me up verbally... Most of the time, anyway. I'm still somewhat convinced that Frank reads this, because sometimes he's a little too intuitive about me. You know, I don't think that's a horrible thing, though. At least if he read my journal he'd really know how I feel about him. I'm also sure el brohem Glenn reads this too. My mom might read it too, which is no big deal, because she knows everything that goes on in my life. Anyway, I was talking about Frank. He was another delightful addition to this weekend. He came over on Saturday night, and he still wasn't feeling well. The fact that the cat's litter box hadn't been changed didn't really help any in that whole "Desire to stay at Pam's apartment" feel. He left pretty early. Well, early for when he visits. Frank tends to hang out until it gets pretty late. Even sometimes when he has to work the next day, he'll stay until 1am, sometimes 2. It's very nice to have his company. Saturday afternoon Dante invited Frank, Darrell, John and I out to Red Lobster. I don't think Dante is in my Glossary. I'll add him later. I was like, cool (regarding the aforementioned invite to red lobster) It kinda sucked, because John was away at his aunt's house for the weekend, so I knew he wouldn't be able to go. I'd never been to red lobster before, but I do enjoy seafood. (Keep your lesbian jokes to yourself, asswipe, ha ha ha) So we all went, and we had a pretty good time. I had two frozen drinks, and I didn't really get tipsy at all. It was strange. Anyway, we all had a great time. The food was delicious, and the company wasn't too bad either :-D. So, at the beginning of our meal, Frank ate clams, Dante scarfed salad and some kind of clam chowder, and Darrell may have made the most disgusting show of eating chicken wings, ever. He's one of those motherfuckers that will put the entire wing-ding in his mouth, and it will come out of his mouth clean. I was sitting next to him as he did this, and I was SO grossed out, man. It didn't really help that Frank was making these completely amazed looks as Wing go in, Bone come out! sitting directly across from me, Dante couldn't stop making comments about how cool he thought Darrell's wing sucking was. Dante's eating some kind of clam soup, and it reeked of ocean brime, so I'm getting a full breath of fresh fish every time he opens his mouth. Meanwhile, I'm eating my pre-dinner salad, cracking up. All three of them were funny. The first drink I got was a mudslide, and it was good. Not as good as the mudslides at TGI Friday's, but good nonetheless. They put whipped cream on top of it, and I dig whipped cream on drinks. I'm kinda stupid, though, because while at a table with three other guys, one of whom I'm still in that ugly "Friend? Girlfriend?" stage with, and I take the straw -which was black-, I spun it around in the whipped cream on top of my beverage, bring the straw up to my mouth, and begin to suck the whipped cream off. I could be wrong, but at that point, all conversation stopped, and Frank just looked at me like, "Retard." So anyway, I could go ahead and tell the whole evening, but I honestly don't feel like it. Let's just say that we had a good time, and Dante's driving leaves a decent amount to be desired. Now for my daily dose of un-relationship banter regarding a one Non-boyfriend, Frank. I've decided that this ball in his court thing is taking way too long. He's really put me under the impression that he's comfortable where we are, and that's wearing at my patience. During the entire time that we have been friends, there's been this patience thing on my part. It's hard to deal with that, because I'm not the most patient gal on the earth. His feelings are really important, though. After just getting out of a serious and seriously fucked relationship, a guy has to have some time to flirt, heal, and take in all of his options. Okay, it's been a couple of months, I'm really hoping that he's done healing. It doesn't help me any that I talk to John almost every day. He's funny, because if I bring up the "Frank=boyfriend?" stuff, he'll be like, "FUCK HIM NOW" and I just don't operate like that. I have to take things slow, and once I'm ready, I'll start the whole, Closer, by Nine Inch Nails chorus. I'm erotic, it just takes time. So, more importantly, I'm going to have to get Frank to verbalize how he actually feels about me, so I can get a grip here. Even if he says that he'd rather not be in a serious relationship, or anything, I'll feel 110% better if I just know what's up. Goddamn, this is turning out to be a huge entry. That's mostly because I'm at work, and I'm bored out of my mind. Times like this are mostly why I want to get a different job. I have a telephone interview at 3 pm tomorrow with EB, hopefully I won't have to interview any further, and they'll hire me. They said they'd pay me at least 35k, which is a significant pay increase from EDU. Plus I'll have some room for advancement, whereas EDU can't afford to pay an assistant for me. "Maybe Next year" isn't as encouraging as you'd think these days. I want a better work experience. Well, I'm going to stop typin' now. Mata ne! --- later- Love and adoration, Pam
Yo, my fellow Americans! (and Canadian friends, and American friends in Japan!) Man, this sucks, gabi will (who doesn't update his diary, so no link for him) and Ami are all in Japan livin' it up. No really, they're in Japan. I've seen the pictures. It's kind of strange seeing images of people who you know -- when they're half a day around the world away. Anyway, my mundane life here in America is pretty much the same. My fucking cell phone is broken. I would like to buy a digital camera just to take a picture of it and post it online. See, much like the dumbass that I tend to be, I've dropped it a couple of times. I used to just drop it on a fluke, or if my cat knocked it off of a table or something. Oh no, not this week. Dude, my belt clip isn't what it used to be, so when I pick up speed while walking the clip will give way, and my phone just slips off, and goes flying. Now the lcd screen looks like it's bleeding. The scratches used to just be minor wounds, but I can't read my text messages anymore. Damnit. Look! ^ -remember the last time I used that little group of lines in an entry? It was like a year ago or something.- Well, anyhow... I spoke to Frank last night. He isn't feeling well. When he called, he sounded much better than he did the day before yesterday. His sore throat didn't stop him from making jokes, though. Frank has this sense of humor that just doesn't stop. It's almost as though he's blending all of his emotions (and he's got plenty) through these witty, sharp, and otherwise funny things that come out of his mouth. Needless to say, even if the conversation is about completely nothing, Frank is a delight in conversation. Two words, "Ozzy Riker." Okay, that's it. Well, no, not really. It's slowly becoming easier to be comfortable in his presence. In case folks didn't know, Pam can be rather shy, turn into a ball of shrugs, and become rather quiet. That's only around boys that I like, for the most part. So there was much laughter last night. I've been trying to continue eluding to the fact that I don't just want to be his friend, but that's difficult. It'd be pretty damn rude to rush him into commitment, because well, I don't want to rush into anything. But we've been friends for a while, see? That makes it weird. Every guy I ever dated was my friend first, but he's been a friend for a long time. Damn that whole having-a-girlfriend thing. What ever happened to save Pam? The girl who was capable of flirting at the drop of a hat? Only god knows. Now that I've been completely outmatched by another human being (Yeah, Frank- the witty bastard) I don't know how to handle myself. I'm so used to having some sort of mental upper hand. Even if I wasn't really in control, I could convince myself that I was. So, although it's insanely crazy losing all control, and surrendering, it's lots of fun. I'm hangin' on for the ride! Wooo hoo! L & A P
Written, Wednesday, Oct. 02, 2002 at around: 10:12 PM
I am Pam's Roller Coaster Evening
Written, Wednesday, Oct. 02, 2002 at around: 4:21 PM
I am pam's emotions. Really!!!
Written, Tuesday, Oct. 01, 2002 at around: 10:49 PM
I am pam's job interview, part one
Mia Meiou: Do you think I should tell mark and ying that I'm thinking about getting a new job?
Mia Meiou: Mostly about client support, what I find to be stressful, if I
Mia Meiou: it sounds like a rough job.... they'd have me be the only
Mia Meiou: I'd like to do it though
Mia Meiou: it'd keep me busy
Mia Meiou: Yeah dawg!
Mia Meiou: I'd be on time like, every day.Mia Meiou: LOL, it was funny when he asked how much
Mia Meiou: I was all ashamedWritten, Tuesday, Oct. 01, 2002 at around: 3:05 AM
I am Pam's Over-thought
Written, Monday, Sept. 30, 2002 at around: 3:46 PM
I am Pam's inner (kick ass) goddess
� What's your Inner Goddess Color?? � JenWritten, Monday, Sept. 30, 2002 at around: 3:15 PM
I am Pam's kick ass weekend
Written, Thursday, Sept. 26, 2002 at around: 1:01 PM
I am pam's ego being outmached, and outwitted