I am Pam's Inner Plauge

How evil am I? Well, not very. If it came down to it, and I had to kill a bunch of Egyptians, I'd be SOL. Why?

That's why. Damn pesky vermin, I am.

Love and... I feel dirty writing that after I've been shown as vermin,

Pam

Written, Thursday, Sept. 19, 2002 at around: 4:31 PM

I am Pam's really crappy job

I had a pep talk with myself this morning. I convinced myself that it's a good idea to stay at my current job. That's unless some other company calls, offering more money. Yes, I am currently seeking out new employment.

See, this job is chock full of great experince. Although it lacks opportunity, pay appropraite to my skill level, and nowadays, an overall fun and challenging enviroment, I should stay here until at least march, when I'll have worked here for two years. March isn't but so far away, so it can't be that bad.

Riiiight.

Plus, this company needs me to do well. They need every employee to pull their weight. Besides, there really are days when I enjoy my job. I'm not even talking about goofing off with Mike K in the server room, or having meaningful disscussions about nothing for hours at a time with Drew. I'm not even talking about the 20 minute smoke breaks that I take with Tiffany. No, I don't smoke.

I enjoy the responsiblities that my job gives me (when they do give them to me), and the fact that they trust me to get things done. Lately I've been a real asshole, and just stopped caring though. I have a lot of work to do (only because I haven't done any for 3 days) and, like most weeks it will all be getting done on Friday.

The problem with me is that the entire office depends on me for stuff. Every department turns to me for something. So if I start fucking up, our whole office feels it. That's the last thing I really want to happen, but I know how I react to things like that. I'm very much a prouduct of my enviroment, and if it's shitty around me, then I'm going to be even shittier person.

But enough of me being downtrodden. I worked last night. That's a phrase I haven't been able to say in years. I worked for labor ready (because I had no money, and they'll pay you that day, or the next day.) The assignment was to work security for the Rolling Stones Concert. I had a GREAT time. I did more dancing and socializing than work, and that was expected of me.

While I was rocking it out at the Stones Concert, I looked down at my cellphone and noticed that I had a text message. It was Frank. I was like, wow, he's texting me while he's in dallas? It was kind of amusing. He is going to be in dallas until Sunday. When we spoke last, he really sounded like he didn't want to go. Can you blame the guy? He has to go spend several days, including two weekend evenings, on a buisness trip. He's not even allowed to leave the hotel for the duration of the trip.

Since Frank is a rather emotional person, it'll be an interesting trip for him. He hates his job more than is truly expressable by normal human standards. He has an interview with another company soon. When he talks about his interview, the excitement in his voice just turns up a bit.

Well, It's time to leave my place of employment. I'll chat more later.

Love and adoration,

Pam

Written, Tuesday, Sept. 17, 2002 at around: 12:06 PM

I am Pam's Sexual Sign

I'm sensitive. I'm sentual. I'm a cancer. (shudders) I'm a cancerian lover, and an aquarian friend. Crazy

Written, Tuesday, Sept. 17, 2002 at around: 11:32 AM

I am Pam's lack of outward emotion

Oh, I feel rotten.

Not physically rotten, no, it isn't that easy. Emotionally. I am such a sucker for emotional blackmail, dude. What isn't helping is that Frank is really damn good at it. Well, perhaps it is helping, because I'm always in the mood for becoming a better person, and making those around me happier.

When I hurt someone, and they let me know, I feel rotten. I'm a really self-centered kind of asshole, and I hate that sometimes, because I honestly think more about other people than I do about myself. That's why I'm fucking miserable all the damn time. The reality, however, is that I don't always take the feelings of other people into account, because I have a tendency to overlook those type of things.

There was a conversation with John about this last night, and I expressed to him that I was really upset, because I thought I had made Frank upset. This came to a shock to john, because I'm a really unemotional person on the outside most of the time, especially when I'm surrounded by emotional people. As Crazian John joked last night, "Yeah, when you stand near us, there's a freezing cold breeze coming by, because your heart is frozen!!"

Damn John! *insert my laughing* John pretty much told me not to sweat it, but I'm sweating. That's just the way I am, I care. I talk about myself all the time, to try to show that I relate to other people. It must come off like I'm a big ass. People who talk about themselves all the time are so not-fun to speak to. Pam doesn't want to be like that. So I'm going to make a conscious effort to say the word "I" no more than 100 times. I think I've already used the words I, I'm, I'll, and I've over 100 times in this entry.

I also sought out advice from LB who's one of my favorite advice-getter-fromers. He gave me some great advice.

In this journal there isn't too much written about "Pam's Feelings." Mostly it's thoughts, and abstract ideas of how I'd be able to do things better. I haven't been really emotional (or in touch with my feelings at all, for that matter). I just want to be liked, that's all that matters. I want to love the world, and have a few select people on this earth love me back. Is that too much to ask? I hope not, because my nights are terribly lonely.

Love and adoration,

Pam

Written, Monday, Sept. 16, 2002 at around: 1:55 PM

Uh, hey, how's it goin?

Yo, whatup?

What is wrong with me? Do I ask these questions expecting a response? I mean, are people going to come along and give me responses in my guestbook to "Hey, what's up?" and "How'sit goin'?" No, folks are lazy.

Anyway, It's been a fun couple of weeks. Sorry I haven't updated. I've been looking at other people's diaries and so on, and I even read mine, I just haven't been in the mood to update. I've been too busy living the life required to write about.

I went to see a Temple Owls football game on saturday with Frank. That was fun. Well, the 2nd quarter was fun. Everything else was just watching the Owls get their asses waxed. Even though I'm sure they lost by a margin somewhere in the thirties, I had a good time. I mean, Frank was there, and that's enough.

Oh god, I am such a girl.

You know, I was thinking today. Man, that's a stupid sentance. I think everyday. If I didn't think, then I'd be braindead, and I wouldn't be able to give you guys these shitty entries to laugh at.

Anyway, I thought. I thought about things that are going on in my life, and they're actually not that bad. Things are finally starting to sway in the direction that I want them to, and It feels really good. Then I started thinking more.

I've been spending a ton of time with the Not-Boyfriend lately. I've been having lots of fun with him, and basically enjoying the time I spend with him. I would presume, by what his water sign personailty traits are telling me, that he feels pretty much the same way.

It's good to be in this emotional place. Then, as I thought of how happy I am to be in this emotional place, I wondered about some other things. I wondered if I remembered what it feels like to be in love. I mean, I've been saying for quite a while that I'm falling for this guy. I'm falling rather steadily, at that.

I don't know if I remember what love is actually like. I mean, I've been there a couple of times, but when it hits me, am I going to be all numb and emotionless like I usually get, or will I head right into it with two eyes welled up with tears?

It dawned on me a couple of days ago that I need some sensitivity training or something. Naw, dawg, I'm serious. Remember when I was all gloating because I did a good job of waxing multiple asses at Uno? Well, a couple of days ago, I got my ass whooped in James Bond by the Not-boyfriend, and he's been rubbing it in ever since.

Then it dawned on my dumb ass that he was doing that partially in retribution for the intense rubbing in that I did a few months ago. I'm such an asshole. I really feel bad, because I know I'm dealing with a sensitive individual, and I pushed the line. I hate making people feel bad, but I'm a pro at doing just that.

There are times when I just wish I could think before I speak, but the words come to me so quickly, that I just can't stop them from coming out of my mouth. Okay, that was a really lame excuse, but it's the best I could come up with. I don't want my friends thinking that I'm an asshole, especially those that I'm actually close with. I wrote a much more extensive entry about that, and not much else in my paper journal. I'm not gonna get too much into it here, because I need to have some sense of privacy. No, really, I do.... stop laughing!

By the way folks, on a completly unrelated note: Drew: Tell em FahQ said Hi. LOL

Written, Saturday, Sept. 07, 2002 at around: 9:02 PM

I am Pam's Entry Title

Howdy do diaryland,

It's me. Why do I bother annoucning that? I mean, there's a big ass image with Ed Norton's face on it, Fight Club Style at the top of this page. The image has been doing a good job of alerting everyone who sees this page that "This is Pam's Layout." You'd think I'd have enough sense to not have to tell motherfuckers that this is me. Who else would I be?

I think I made my point.

Anyway, I'm okay. I had an alright day today. No big deal or anything, I just walked over to game stop, and Illy came by. She bought a PS2 after I bullied her into it. I should stop doing stuff like that to her, but she needs to learn to stand up for herself. She's a great girl, she just needs to be a tad bit more assertive.

Noy worked today, she has started school for this semester, and she's already focused on failing at least two classes. I tried to convince her otherwise, or to at least give her classes a chance, but she's a stubborn little ass.

Nothing eventful happened today, it was pretty bland. I was happy that Illy came by... that was cool. Some apartment cleaning occured today. That is a pretty rare occurance. Not only did I start cleaning the living room up some, but I also did some bathroom cleaning. I can now take a shower without having to worry about the clogged drain filling the shower up to my ankles with icky water.

How did I fix the clog in my drain? I bought a plunger from the dollar store. Yes, my day has been filled with beautiful vanilla skies, painted softly against the canvas of my life. Whatever that means.

It's just been another day. I did wear a skirt today, which would have gone nicely with my attempts to be michiru like from my persuits earlier in the year. I no longer really strive to be more feminine than I truly am. These days I'm trying to be whoever it is that I am. I'm coming into this whole "Self discovery" thing. Self discovery has always been a big part of who I am, because as much as I know myself, there's even more I don't know about myself. It's very sad, but my freinds and family know me better than I do.

Years of trying to understand other people have alineated myself from myself. Okay, that sounds crazy. There are only but so many ways I can put that one, though.

Hey, did you know that they are STILL making power rangers tv shows? Those crazy japaneese people don't know when to stop pushing their shit on us. Speaking of Japaneese, I still like anime, and I watch it from time to time, but I don't know if I'm still so passionate about it. I'm changing. The fact that I am constantally changing makes me who I am.

Crrrraaaaazzzyyy! Woo hoo!

Okay, I'm going to go turn my radio up and wonder if any of my real life friends are online right now.

Audios! and Love and Adoration!
Pam

Written, Thursday, Sept. 05, 2002 at around: 11:16 PM

I'm gettin' my song on, dawg

Hey folks,

I'm learning how to sing!! I'm so happy!

Christina Guzman, the owner of CEG Academy (I want to help her with some web design...) has been assisting me in getting my musical learn on. I've learned so much in only two lessons that I'm really excited. She's a great teacher, in that she corrects me immedatley. I like that.

I dig my singing lessons.

Other than that, I'm back on for Football with the not-boyfriend. Yeah, I think I'm going to just start refering to Frank as that, now that he's single. It's only fair. Well, in my twisted little mind it is, anyway. We are going to see temple play miami on the 14th. He actually has off on a saturday, can you believe it? This one will be my treat. He'll drive, of course, but I'll sport the cash. I'm a good person sometimes, see??

Well, lets see, what else is going on? Um, my apartment is a complete mess. Tiffany spent the night last night. Well, that's not why my apartment is a mess, but um, well, I am without a segway at the moment. . . I've been becoming better friends with her. She and I talk about a lot of stuff and I think that it's good for her. It's good for me too. She wants me to boink frank and get the drama overwith. I'd like to do that too, but like I've been saying, this is a delicate situation. I've been working on getting this right for too long to go and be rash about it now. My plan will work out, damnit.

My cat is becoming satan. I love Koi with all my heart, but she's an annoying pain in the ass sometimes. She's my kitty. Right now she's on my desk, toying around with the StudyAbroad.com keychain attached to my keys.

Speaking of work, (yeah, I work for the people who make studyabroad.com and gradschools.com, go fig) I really haven't felt like it lately. I'm not in the mood. I want to go to work, sleep for another 4 hours, do the fun work that I like, and go home. If I could get paid for that, I'd be in, man.

But I'm not in, so I just go to work, bullshit with Mike Kim in the server room for hours at a time, and feel unfufilled at the end of the day. Perhaps I'll go back to the hell that is running your own buisness. Hey, anything is better than catering, dude.

Well, I'm going to go eat dinner, and play some Super Monkey Ball 2. Hey, just a personal complaint, but people haven't been signing my guestbook. That makes me sad. Please sign it? Thanks!

Love and adoration,

Pammie

Written, Wednesday, Sept. 04, 2002 at around: 4:50 PM

Princess of Pop

Oh-kay,

After having re-read that last journal entry of mine (read the top entry on thisispams.html, I'm feeling some type of way about it. I feel like that was perhaps, the most whiny entry I've ever written, and I've been responsible for some stinkers.

So, diaryland reading audience, what's up? I read gabi's diary earlier. It reminded me about how real she is. I respect gabi because she doesn't really give a fuck. In the entry that I read, she spoke about how she has friends and acquaintances. I feel her on that one. I'm presuming I'm an acquaintance, and I like it that way. Being an acquaintance in her book means we both get annoyed a lot less :-).

On the other hand, I don't know if I've ever really been good at drawing that line. There are some people who I don't consider to be close, but I like spending time with them, so I refer to them as friends. Does that mean that my priorities are askew, or does that just mean that I allow myself to get close to everyone without thinking things through first? Well, the facts are that both of those are true.

Lately I've been telling people a lot of truths (and not so truths) about myself. The main truth that I've been spouting about the earth is the good ol' "Michael Jackson is my father," one. Yes, I'm going to discuss this again.

Okay, I'm 21 years old, have a 51 year old mother, and I do not remember ever meeting my father. When I was little, my mom told me that my dad was Michael Jackson. "Suuuure," says the normal reader of my diary, "That's cute, like Santa Claus!" Oh, if were only that simple. My mom has NEVER changed her story in regards to the identity of my father. So I just kinda presumed that the truth is that my dad really is the king of pop.

Does that make me the Princess of Pop and the first in line for the throne when he dies??

*ahem* Anyway, I've been telling a lot of people about that story. Mostly people who I trust further than I can throw them, and people who I have developed friendships with. Now I've published this story on the internet. Am I stupid or what? Anyway-- I really am tired of keeping secrets. I don't like holding back, and I'm doing a LOT of that these days. I have to keep 25% of all of my friends away from each other, and it's getting rather stale.

The least I can do is tell everything about myself, right? I mean, is MJ gonna sue me for what my momma told me? If he does, I got a lawsuit right back. Well, I wouldn't want to sue him. If it's all true, and I'm the Princess of Pop, then I would want to sit down and have a long conversation. I mean, I have 21 years of catching up to do. My only other father figure is dead, so hey, gimme a break.

Well, that's enough of spouting my business all over the place. I'm cold, and I want to leave work.

Love and adoration,

Pam the eldest princess of pop