Some of the real me

Gosh.

My period must be coming on. I'm terribly emotional, feeling like the world is giving me the short end of the stick, and I've been tired, and in a horrible mood. Bitch Fest July. Bitch fest indeed.

I'm in that sad little self-pitying mood. I hope other people haven't been noticing. I have to be a better person for everyone else. I really, truly, live my life for other people. Even this diary is for other people. I create a life that surrounds me with other folks. I'm Uber-Pam, a creature that's more than what she seems. Go watch Kare-kano or something, and you'll understand me better. I can be a little Miazawa-ish.

Anyway, yeah- self pity this. I'm a beautiful, friendly girl without a boyfriend, that. I guess I don't have a boyfriend because I turn down every guy who doesn't fit at least 75% of my criteria. I'm pretty damn picky, I suppose, but aren't we all? Ah, at least I can flirt. That I can do. I can get my flirt on, and live the life of the empty relationship.

I am the Emotional Relationship whore. I'm a girl who won't sleep with people without a relationship. I'm a girl who loves to love people. As much as I've been complaing about people lately, I really love people. Like I said, I live my life for the damn fools, I might as well profess my love for them. But, I love people. I love to take care of people. I want to not live the lie for a change, and start a relationship again.

But alas, I couldn't right now. I have to sit here and be honest... which is difficult, because a lot of people who know me are reading my diary as of late, so, hey, here's the truth. I'm really starting to have feelings for Frank, and it's getting harder to suppress them. I mean, it's not like I'm going to go tell him tommorow that I really have "Feelings" for him beyond our freindship. He has to know that.

It's just uncomfortable. It wasn't before. It could just be that I'm going through a bit of PMS, but I'm feeling a bit strange. I like Frank, he's my friend. I'm not allowed to love him, so I'm trying to keep things under wraps. I almost felt weird flirting with him today, so I tried not to. I guess it's just wierd when we're around other people.

Everything between he and I is fine in my apartment. When he comes over here, everything feels right, and it makes me wonder why he's not my boyfriend, and then my brain comes back down to that little place that I refer to as "Grounded" and I remember that he has a girlfriend.

When he's here, I feel him being my friend, and sometimes I get weak. Very weak. A couple of days ago, when he came over to play Perfect Dark, I almost gave into sexual temptation. Whoo boy, I was gonna let him see my body, but it didn't happen.

Oh man, I support all of my friends. I am the sholder to cry on, and I ask for nothing in return, but who is supposed to support me? When will I have a friend who I can cry to, and not feel guilty about it? Will I ever not feel guilty? I know other people have problems much bigger than my own, but I want to be a selfish friend, and take advantage of someone's kindness. I want to be a whole person for once, and not have to worry about who I'll have to save when I answer the phone.

I guess a supergirl's work is never done.

Love and adoration

Uber-pam