higher on the not shitty scale

okay

I'm better.

I took a walk, and ignored a few phone calls. I'm feeling better.

Yeah, so mood swings a-plenty. I'm quite over that moment. My day has gotten all sorts of weird, but all in all it's okay because I have chimpanzees to cheer me up. Yay!

I'll be alright later, honest.

Okay, I don't feel like writing. Later!

l&a

P&J

Written, Monday, Oct. 27, 2003 at around: 2:17 PM

The Rag Cometh

I am very sad today.

I'm feeling terribly unwanted, unloved, and disliked. I'm feeling used, hated and alone. I'm also really, really feeling how much I don't know about my family, or a whole lot of people. I'm hypersensitive, and have been thinking a lot about who my father is.

Ah yes, the rag cometh.

I'm getting a little sick of this PMS shit. It gives me an even stronger attitude problem, and yesterday I was really tempted to hit several people square in the nose, with no regrets. In the past 48 hours, I've seriously thought about telling off people who I've refered to as a "Friend," at one point or another simply because I didn't want to be awake.

My mom told me this afternoon that I don't sound like myself, and that there's no possible way I can be irritable like this for more than a week every month. Fuck you. I don't want to feel like this, and even if I did want to feel that way, who are you to govern my goddamn feelings? Why would you even bother irritating me further when you know goddamn well that I'm upset? Why do you think your pestering is going to make me feel better? Has it ever?

I'm gonna go with a rousing... No, bitch!

She thinks that something tramatic happened to me, like I started taking seirous drugs-- like heroin or cocaine, or I was sexually molested or raped at an outing, or something else insanely dramatic. She used to ask me things like that when I was a teenager. Okay, yes, do ask your teenager if they're doing drugs. Do ask your teenager if they're being abused when they start acting weird. Okay. But I've clearly, calmly, intelectually explained to her that my mood swings are due to this anti-child medication that I'm so fucking fond of, and she continues to pester me. I'm not sure if she does this shit because she cares, or because she knows good and damn well that it's just going to piss me the fuck off even more.

Oooh, here comes that ulcer I thought I had so keenly avoided.

This pisses me off so much. The mere idea that I, "Ms. don't smoke, and drugs are bad m'kay" would even consider doing drugs, or that if I had been raped that I wouldn't do anything about it. And MAYBE if I had been sexually molested (at any point in my life) I'm not quite comfortable sharing it with my psychopathic mother. Bitch.

Whatever. It's even worse that she would ask me things of this nature at work. Fuck you. Don't get fucking inapropriate with me in my place of employment, ESPECIALLY WHEN I"M BEING PROMOTED. Hello? I'm being evaluated, and it's quite obvious. I don't need my PMS to get in the way of a fucking 2000 dollar a year raise, and a fucking position that I'll really enjoy, goddamnit. Don't address the fact that I'm fucking pissed off, irritated and have no desire to speak to you about my personal problems in a place where my boss could hear me say "Just go away!!" if you really start to get on my nerves. Don't fuck with me right now, mom. God. Now you wanna give a fuck, right? Get outta here. She should start taking ortho evra for a month, and tell me how it effects her.

But I digress.

I'm really upset right now, and I can't swing this feeling. I've been trying not to focus on it, but at the moment it's much easier to focus on the negative. Feeling like this: worthless, hopless, emotionally under the weather.... you'd swear by talking to me that I don't have a friend in the world. I just want to go home, sit in my room, listen to music, and maybe read some books. I'm feeling really pissy, and very unloved.

I know I'll feel better in about eight days, but these are going to be the crappiest eight days ever. The last week of the month in the past two months have been so horrible. I may not get my perscription for this stuff refilled on the 24th of november when I go back to get another perscription. I need what little emotional stablity I've got.

Okay

love and adoration

pamela jean