I want to give him a massage again

Oh dear god,

I don't understand a thing. That's the truth. Frank really does have feelings for me. He and I would have a much easier relationship if I could get a little eraser and remove the John from Pam + frank + john equasion. Don't get me wrong, John is a great friend, but I don't wanna date him.

Frank is the one I want. But John wants me. John is needier than frank allows himself to be seen as. Tiffany told me today that I need a guy who will take my shit, but won't. That was the best analogy of my ideal boyfriend. Listen to me, and put up with my sillyness and whatnot, but don't be a goddamn pushover. I have no respect for that shit.

John would be a pushover, and be too easy for me to get what I want from him. Pam needs a chalange. Frank is that very challenge-- and that's one of the many reasons that I'm attracted to him. I'm afraid. I'm very afraid. I'm afraid that I'm going to fall in love with Frank, which could very easily happen.

I mean, he's a serious part of my life these days. My mom is aware of his existance, and I tell all of my closer friends about how "I am so into this guy who has a girlfriend." I'm writng poetry about him, and his name is all over my diary enteries. ---and Goddamnit!! I have the hiccups, this sucks.---

The problem is that I truly want to be able to fall in love with frank. I want to kiss him on the lips and smile at him without him knowing as I give him a neck massage.

I want to make love to him, but see there's this big problem here-- dude's got a GIRLFRIEND. That's kind of problematic. So, I do the only thing I can. I wait patiently. I do my best to show frank that I care about him, and try not to push myself like I'm running for Mayor.

So I gladly visit him at his job, speak to him on the phone, and help his best friend through what may very well be the worst relationship since one of mine. :-P

On the not so angsty hand, I've been singing more, and I bought an answering machine. I'm very happy to own an answering machine. now I don't have to spend 20 bucks a month on fucking *69 dialing.

Wish me the best.

My love and adoration. . .

Pam