Ahh, there's more!

Yeah, yeah, it's been a while, like almost a week. Sorry, get over it. Here, I've been writing enteries offline on word. Yes, the joy of cut and paste!

12-12-01

I was upset on my way home from work today when I just so happened to glance into the window of the old Italian guy�s barber shop at 21rst and Wolf. They have a poster of a big ugly gorilla inside. Underneath the picture of the gorilla is some stuff scribbled in sharpie permanent marker, reading: �Monkey for mayor.� Now, I don�t like John Street. He�s a lousy public speaker, a sad excuse for a leader, a sellout who once cared about the neighborhood more than a not-so bright future running for governor and he�s kind of ugly. But he is black. So am I. I was really pissed off.

That image, which kind of disturbed me, because it was in plain-view of passers-by, reminded me that old people suck. It was a conversation that I had with Laura Kelly once. She�s a little strange sometimes, but very bright. She said to me, �Pam, old Italians suck. But there�s something good about them. They�ll die soon.� I completely agree. I live in South Philadelphia. An area concentrated with the likes of old, decaying, racist, sexist and otherwise bigoted Italians. Italians, for the most part, are fitting to their stereotype from what I�ve learned. They�ll feed you, smother you in love, and be the kindest, and often the sharpest tongued people I�ve ever come across. However, the older lot seems not to realize that I�m about to turn 21. Okay, that might not sound like much, but I was born in 1981. I�m now an adult. When I was born, public racism was completely taboo, and now it should be gone. People like my mother (although she was a little over the top) fought, cried, struggled and even died so that I could live in neighborhoods filled with white people and not fear for my life. I don�t. It just pisses me off that these people don�t realize that people are people. Just because John Street is a shitty excuse for a mayor doesn�t give some racist barber an excuse to associate him with an animal that eats it�s own infestation.

My grandfather, as much of a senile alcoholic as he is, was a good father, and worked hard so that his black family could have everything- if not more- than the white families that lived not too far away. It hurts me to my soul, and is currently putting me to tears, to know that even though all of my ancestors�slaves, workers, freedom fighters and the sort failed in any way to change the reality of the idiots who decide that they want to associate my, lame, black mayor with a being that cannot speak because it�s brain can�t process the thought.

Anyway, on to less depressing, and upsetting news:

Glenn is going to plan my friend Kim�s wedding! Okay, maybe that isn�t less depressing. I�m really happy for Kimmie. She really needs this. She needs to marry Paul and live happily ever after, because if there was never a sob story, there is most certainly hers. Kim is 22 years old with severe arthritis in her knees. She has a lot of health conditions, and has insomnia all the time. She�s like, the nicest person you�d ever know, and she works for a really bad wage for a boss who acts like she doesn�t exist. Somehow she smiles through most of the day. She has a bachelors degree, but she works as an intern. That really makes me angry. She should be a copy-editor somewhere living with Paul in a big house that her father paid for (Kims dad = cheapskate asshole, who lit her yard on fire on CHRISTMAS DAY) and have her friends over for big parties. But life is cruel sometimes. That sucks the big one.

Since she�s getting married, of course I�m jealous, but only to a certain degree, because she really deserves to be proposed to. Not that I wouldn�t mind even the tiniest chip off of a tiny chip of a diamond encased in a silver ring on my left hand, but I don�t think I even need to be imagining a wedding. ::more sad stuff to follow:: I couldn�t afford to get married. My mom would never ever pay for anything even relating to me getting married to Glenn. I mean, hello, she tried to kill the poor boy. It makes me cry (and I am) that my own mother wouldn�t even acknowledge the fact that her daughter loves someone. Okay, calm down Pam, you aren�t a crier� okay calm� grab a tissue. Well, it is the week before my period, and I have a tendency to be tired and wishy-washy around this time.

But anyway, I want to bitch. I really don�t know if Glenn wants to be around me for the rest of his life, and that�s a very serious and touchy subject. I mean, who in their right mind has a true desire to be related to the Newmans? And, um, his family leaves quite a bit to be desired. The last time that I saw his Aunt (The cool aunt in Delaware) she nearly bit my fucking head off. That�s another big problem with Glenn. He lies. All the god damn time. I�ve gotten used to it, and it doesn�t matter too much to me when he lies to people I�ll never meet, but sometimes that shit gets on my nerves. Is it that horrible to be who you really are? I don�t think so. Glenn is an awesome guy (Pam�s word of the moment: Awesome) and he has a lot to be proud of. Grrr�. Japanese. Ohhhh god. Don�t get me started. I�m quite proud of the fact that I�m dating him. There�s no need for me to be his �sister.� I�m sure he does it mostly because it pisses me off so much, but god.

I believe that Glenn would be a good parent. He�s awesome with kids, (word of the moment!) and he relates to children well. He says stuff sometimes, which I think he expects me to understand. Often regarding how he feels about things. He refuses to just outright start a conversation called �How Glenn Wants to Raise a Family.� Sometimes it�s a little difficult for me to separate what he pretends and what he means. Kowai!!! Man, he�s like reading the walls of an ancient Egyptian tomb� but the problem is, someone translated all the hieroglyphics, and that person was from a small island off the coast of Malta, an island that was destroyed before modern times, and all record of the language is gone. So you�ve kinda just start from scratch. Sometimes it�s good that he doesn�t just outright say things, because I tend to agree with people just to not start arguments. I�ve been doing that a lot lately, because I haven�t been much in the mood to argue. �SHUT UP GABI!� was living inside of my brain for too many months. I don�t really enjoy that kind of arguing, so forget it.

On to Glenn again. Well, we can�t get married until he gets a full time job. That is my demand. Then again, from my talks with him in the past, he wouldn�t consider proposing without one. Besides, how�s he supposed to buy me a ring?? That�s another scary thing, I�m afraid of losing my wedding ring. I�m so absent minded�. Oh dear god. Well, I haven�t lost my birth control pills, and I only get like a new pack every month, so I�m doing pretty well. Where would we live? I don�t want to live �in- Philadelphia. If I have kids, I want a lawn. (Again with the demands) and I want them not to fear playing outside alone at the age of 10. I strongly believe that kids need grass. Oh more wedding stuff� Glenn is probably going to plan it. Hmmm, I guess that�s a good thing. I wonder if he has like a time of year and colors and stuff all picked out. That�d be kind of depressing� I wanted to do all that stuff. Wedding = girl thing. Glenn = not girl. I would really appreciate his strong, developed input, but I wanna decorate, pick out flowers, and put all of my friends in ugly dresses that they�ll never wear again. Ugh, that�s a wedding party that I am kind of scared of� anything involving Jay and Leighan is just dying for a mean word and tears. I, in the back of my heart, never, ever, ever want my friends to meet glens friends. Leighann would be the best off out of em all. Ew, would Glenn invite Brian to the wedding?? Ick!! I don�t think he would� maybe he would� I don�t really think so though, but they are pretty close�. Ew. And I couldn�t really tell him not too� Oh, I�m being too nice. Then he would demand that I not invite Amy or someone that he doesn�t like� oh god. This already seems like a hassle, and we�re not even engaged. Then there�s family, but I don�t think that�d be an issue, because neither one of us want our mothers to be there. My mom is legally obliged not to be anywhere near him. So she can�t bitch when she finds out she ain't getting an invite. Plus, do I really want her there? Nahh. She said to me once when I was like 13 that she wanted to plan my wedding. Umm� No. You raised me to be independent, woman, watch me not listen to you- ::not listening:: ah, I feel so much better.