Part of that world?

Morning Partners,

My eyes are all crusty because the bed was vacated fairly recently. That, and I think I'm getting sick. It's dumb, because I've been *trying* to get sick all winter, and here comes spring, and I get a little sickly. Well, don't celebrate just yet, because I don't have a feaver yet. Take that one to your GRAVE.

Yeah... Aneeeway:

Yo, you guys should read this song that I butchered last night. It's terribly funny. This was actually inspired by a conversation with Frank the other day. I forget what the conversation was actually about... He said something like, "You're just mad because I live in a better neighborhood," or something like that. Then we started making refrences to Satan's song in south park, and Ariel's song in the little mermaid.

So, since I've had a little less than nothing to do for the past few days, I re-wrote Part of That World. I even sang it a couple of times, and recorded it using my karaoke machine. I need help. Please? Someone?

Part of South Jersey

Look at this stuff. Isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, The girl who has everything?
Everyone thinks that it's a fa�ade, when I say "awesome" and "Like, oh my gawd!" Looking around here, you'd think, Sure, she's from the suburbs
I've got country music a-plenty, I've got credit cards and Ked sneakers galore, You want turtlenecks? I've got twenty But who cares, no big deal I want more
I wanna be where the white people are! I wanna see, their rythymless dancin' Walking around in their pants, Whaddya call em? Oh� khaki
If you're Negro ya' don't get too far White skin's required for golf club membership An' playing that sport What's that game again? Hockey
Off where they walk, off where they run, Off where they fear getting arrested by no one Wanderin' free, wish I could move To New Jersey
What would I do if I could live Over that water? What would I pay to spend a day Safe in the suburbs?
Bet in jersey they understand... Bet they don't all have racist mothers.... Bright young people, Free and equal, Ready to stand!
And ready to know what the white people know, Ask 'em my questions and get some answers! What is a loan and why does it's interest,What's the word? Earn!
When's it my turn? Wouldn't I live, live to cross over The Walt Whitman bridge, away from these blues Wish I could move, to New Jersey!

Okay, that's all I've got for now. Remember, that's copywritten, fuckers. Look in that lower right hand corner, if you need a reminder. :-)

Love and adoration,

Pam

Written, Wednesday, Mar. 19, 2003 at around: 5:35 PM

Bitch, whine, bitch, moan, whine, bitch, bitch!

Good afternoon my fellow gangsters,

Today's disclamer: Please be warned, the following entry is a self-serving bitchfest in regards to the way I'm feeling at the moment. I feel like stir-fried emotional shit, and this is in no way to be taken as a real definiton of how I feel in general, because as I've been saying... I'm in a pretty good mood, overall. Honest! I just need to complain for a little while. Got a problem? Fuck you too! Thank you. Let the bitching commense...

You know what?

I was a really stupid teenager. Well, most people were stupid teenagers, but I'm pretty sure that I was at the top of the list. I wasted a lot of time on people who didn't do much but drag me down to the bottom of the barrel, and poison my mind. I was weak, and pretty fucking stupid. Looking back on it, I should have been a much meaner teenager, but instead I cried a lot, and got my feelings hurt on a daily basis. Did I mention that was my fault?? I mean, I'm a better person for it now, but god damn. Again, all my fault.

Perhaps the main problem is that I tried to be an adult for a short period of time during my teenage years. Going into college at the age of 13 kinda does that to you. I didn't have many friends my age, and I tried to be like a 20 year old when I was 14. That makes no sense- at all, but at a crucially develemental time, like the teenage years, ya need something to cling to. I gripped on to the wrong stuff, and that was dumb. So, I tried to pretend that I was a grownup, and failed miserably... seeing as how I wasn't grown up.

Once I stepped away from college (Read: Dropped out) I didn't do anything with my life for about a year. Like really. Then, I went to trade school, and that was great. It was weird being a professional at 17. It's even weirder having all of these experinces so far behind me at such a young age. It leaves me thinking... well... what's next? It's been eight years since I "graduated" high school... wow. I've lived a lot of life for someone my age.

I really don't know what's next in my life. There isn't much more required of me but becoming employed again, retirment, and death. Well, okay, at some point between "Becoming employed again," and "death" I'd like to fit some children in there. LOL... Hey, we all have our life goals.

Sometimes I kinda wish that I had let my intelegence fall to the wayside and just worked on my social development. I made the odd choices that brewed the human that types before the diaryland members area screen. I'll never be quite, "Normal," and that's to be expected. I mean, how many people do you know who were reading when they were two? I don't know anyone else who can say that. Well... not anyone who says it and is telling the truth.

But talking to me now, you'd never figure that I was a smart kid. I'm pretty normal now. That happens to exceptional children. We grow up, and kind of even out. Well, the majority of us. You've got three options-- Stay really, really smart-- Even out a little and become normal, or become terribly eccentric. Geinus breeds insanity, or so said Bobby Fischer. LOL, I've never been good at chess, either!

I wasn't *really* good at anything when I was little either, so I didn't get any real "Special" recognition, which is good, because that would have given me an even bigger ego than what I had as a child. You think I talk about myself a lot now?? That's all I really talked about at all as a child. Watch the slow but sure transformation from me into my father. I'll be a 44 year old who behaives like a seven year old. Crazy bastard.

See, it dawned on me this afternoon that I've been in and out of colleges and trade schools for over eight years. Most people my age are graduating college now, like normal adults. Even though I don't have a degree, I feel way older than I should. Maybe I'd feel younger if I had a degree.

Okay, probabaly not. I am a twenty two year old washup. The best years of my life were around seven and eight, when I was one of the smartest kids in the state. Now I'm an unemployed washed up woman, and I'm not that smart anymore. It even seems like the things that I used to be good at, I'm not too good at anymore.

This is the same old, "I'm not 'great' at anything," rant that I always go through. This happens about two or three times a year. It always starts with me not doing what I want to do with my life, and then I chalk that up to the fact that I'm not being easily motivated. I'll get over it in a week or four, however, it's a terribly lousy feeling.

Perhaps this all stems from the fact that I have these unreal expectations for myself because I was so cool as a kid, and I'm not cool no more. *insert my laughter* I can't live up to that anymore, and it's a bummer. At least I'm still pretty lucky. Realistically, I'm a terribly lucky person, and good things happen to me every day. Life isn't so bad. All I can do is try to apply myself. Satisfaction isn't something you can buy in a store. You've gotta build it up, and make your own success. I think I can do that. :-) Well, it doesn't make any sense for me to live all up in the past, because that doesn't matter.

You know what? I feel a little better. That go-getter attitude will return shortly, and everything will be okay. Yay! Everything works out if you're a good person, with a good attitude. Yay!

Love and adoration,

Pam... Yay!

Written, Wednesday, Mar. 19, 2003 at around: 11:14 AM

Nerdslut, and other irony.

Good morning Pals,

It's early for me, yet you guys are getting an update. See, I really do love my loyal readers. *gives every loyal reader a hug, even the fugly ones* Well, You guys can have an internet hug, but I save my good hugs for my boyfriend.

Anyway, I took the quiz, which I listed below in this entry, and it really made me laugh. I do look cute in glasses, and I do have high standards. Horray for me? Well, anyway... You're all probabally wondering why the fuck I'm updating right now. "Bitch, you should be at work!"

Oh ho, fair readers, you're mistaken! Yesterday, I get the call from the temp/contracting agency. The lady, who is pretty cool-- she likes soutpark, says to me, "Yes. Job. Work?" and I replied, "Yes. Pay. Now." So everything was peachy for me to work this morning. Then, I leave my house, head over to game stop, and then to McDonalds. My cellular phone starts singing Animaniacs to me, and who's on the phone but the Contracting agency lady.

She was all sad like, "Sorry. Job? Nope." and I was like, "Fuck." Well, that was more or less stated after I hung up the phone. So no 12 bucks an hour for me. I was disapointed, but I mean, whatcha gonna do? Opporunity giveth, and opportunity taketh away.

It seems like jobs tease me these days. They dangle their long-term security and steady paychecks past my eyes. The jobs wait patiently for me to reach up and grasp for what they have to offer, and just as my fingertips are about to touch what they've been longing for... YOINK! That's nice. So to appease myself, once I've paid rent, and bills, I think I'm going to seriously consider getting my tattoo.

I really want it, but yo-- I'm a big wuss, and that's the only reason there's no ink permanantly implanted underneath my skin. It's not even like I want a big tattoo-- it'd just be about one inch high and three inches wide. I'd like to get it on my lower back, but everyone and their momma has told me that'll hurt like kingdom come. Ah well, I'll continue to be afraid of getting a tattoo, and eventually never get one.

Arrrrrrrrrg.... I'm really fucking frustrated. It's already march, and the Sit On My Ass checks are gonna end in a month or two.

Anyway, I didn't know that nerds could be slutty. I mean, I'm not. Flirty, maybe (Well, yeah.)... A cocktease? Meh, not really, anymore.

Nerdslut

What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yup.

Love and adoration,

Pam

Written, Tuesday, Mar. 18, 2003 at around: 2:16 PM

things are happening

Greetings Bucko,

It's the afternoon... very interesting. Well, I gots some good news! I'll be working tomorrow morning. It's a contract/temp gig, but hell, I'll have an obligation ever weekday from 9 to 5. Hella cool.

The job is basically data entry, but dude, they're gonna pay me a reasonable amount for it. I guess it isn't so bad. I'll have some spending money left over after I pay off my bills and rent with the SOMA check this friday. Money kind of sucks. I mean, it never did anything wrong to anyone, but goddamn, it's rough sometimes. Everyone wants money in exchange for services.

Get the fuck outta here.

I just started filling in my "To do" thingies in my organizer for the next couple of weeks, and suddenly I look busy. The poor book went from thinking, "Oh, no ink on me! I got it easy!" to, "Damn, this bitch expects me to keep track of all this shit? I quit!" As of right now I've got something scheduled to do for the next two weeks, excluding saturdays. I'm going to be pissy in a week or two, but it'll be that good pissy.

Since I probabally won't have the time to think about how much being unemployed sucks, (and yes, I still consider myself unemployed) I'll have much more interesting things to bitch about. You can all safely bet that although I will greatly apreciate this upcoming data entry project, that I will come home and vent to all of you about how much the job sucks ass.

It's not being ungreatful, it's more like keeping it real. And all you Pals out there know that I keep it real. Straight up, because I am a gangster. I'ma gangster, I drive a cool car, I'm a gangster- - I smoke weed in a cigar. Well, I don't smoke weed in anything, but I don't like Player Haters. Don't player hate on me, player hate on someone else. Click that link, and you'll be one with a very amusing song. If you like, you can download it from that link, that's my server, and you can abuse it if you so choose. LOL--- I'm Craaaaazy!

Love and adoration,

Pam

Earlier, I was looking at pictures of me, both online and on paper. I have this tendancy to give really goofy smiles in pictures. Except when mom takes pictures of me... then I'm just not into it. That just came outta nowhere, my bad.

Written, Monday, Mar. 17, 2003 at around: 11:56 PM

Read the disclamer, you'll like it.

Howdy champ,

Disclamer: What you are/were about to read was inspired by typing FUCK fifteen times. It cured the writers block, but please be reminded that I'm a pervert. Thank you.

It was a lovely, warm day outside today. How did I enjoy this day? I slept until 2, played xbox, masturbated, and didn't leave my house all day long. Well, that's a lie... I left the house about an hour ago to buy some cookies from 7-11. Needless to say, nothing was accomplished today.

Anyway, is it really so difficult to get girls to have sex with you?? Oh wait, I'm not a guy, that's not a valid complaint. Yes laides and gentlemen... this is what you've all been wating for, a sexual entry. It's been stated that I like sex. It's also been stated that I like women. Sadly, it took me a while to figure that out.

While I was playing Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball this evening, I was reminded of my attraction to breasts. See, I don't know about every other bisexual girl, but me... I like boobies. I, however, am not fond of the idea of a relationship with a woman. I gots three words for ya, I like men. Guess what? I got three more, women are bitches. That about sums up why I've never had a girlfriend.

I've been intmate with other females (yes... plural) but I've never... ever... ever been too interested in the idea of being one half of Seafood Taco Stand Ownership. As beautiful as the female body is, the minds within are evil, and I know this. Although I am much of the lesser side of evil, I have seen the female mind scorned, and I don't want to be on the bad side of it.

Women, in the sexual side of my brain, are basically objects. Now don't get all pissed off if you're one of my female friends. You're probabally not an object to me, because you're my friend. Besides, you know me. I don't really want to fuck most of my female friends. ...Don't go getting pissed off about that either. Damn emotional bit... anyway--- LOL Women are pretty things to look at, and lovely to the touch.

Men, on the other hand, are a bit more than mere sexual objects. Obviously I enjoy their company... most of my friends are male. That, and I really believe that the only gender I could handle a serious relationship with would be them crazy mens. Bonding with males is much easier for me, and it's often easier for me to open up to men. Plus, when guys get emotional it doesn't seem quite as serious as when women get emotional. That, and guys grow facial hair. Well, girls do too, but it's not nasty when guys do it!! *insert laughter* I like having a boyfriend, and yes, I'll say it -- this one's for Samantha-- I like dick. It needed to be said.

Anyway, it's good to be indecisive. I can do something that very few other women would either want to, or feel comfortable doing. In a public place, I can be walking with my boyfriend, turn and look at a girl's ass/breasts, and comment on them. Life is good sometimes.

And I think that from looking at my life, that people really are born with their sexual prefrence already in mind. I've always thought both men and women are attractive.

So other than thinking about girls, I've been up to nothing, nothing at all. Trust me, this isn't that desirable. Being unemployed feels good. Really, it does. I have no responsiblities. That's okay. The issue is that I'm doing nothing with my life. I'm one of those assholes who always strives to become better, and that's not really happining lately. Emotionally, perhaps I'm growing, but otherwise, I'm not seeing any immediate change. I like not working, because I have no schedule, but it's not like it gets me all turned on or anything.

Oh, okay... this is something I've been meaning to write, and will be an ongoing, yet infrequent, part of my journal. The non-sexual phrases that get girls wet. This stems from a discussion that I had with Samantha many moons ago, and it was slightly amusing at the time.

Phrase number one that gets girls wet-- "I was thinking about you." This is a classic. Nothing makes a chick feel better about whatever kind of relationship that she's in then knowing that your thoughts drift to her when she ain't around.

Phrase number two that gets girls wet-- "You look great to me." This doesn't work with everyone, but as for Samantha and myself, that shit works. See, pretty girls think they look like shit every now and again. It's just normal, trust me.

That's it for today. I can't use 'em all up if this is gonna be ongoing... damn.

So otherwise, uh, there isn't much interesting to say. I actually shed a tear today... but there wasn't any interpersonal drama. No freaky dreams. That's enough writing for now.

Love and adoraiton,

Pam

Written, at around:

-

Written, Saturday, Mar. 15, 2003 at around: 11:39 PM

Yeowch! --tax free.

Goodbye!

Oh, my bad. I just wanted to say goodbye first, because sometimes goodbyes are so much nicer than hellos. So I didn't write any good poetry for the second day in a row, but that's not so bad, because I don't think anything good would have come of it. I did constructive things. Well, I did my laundry. Wait-- that's a singular construtive thing.

Not all of the laundry is done, either. I only did about two or three loads. I have lots of clean undies now... I realized that since I hadn't really done laundry in about two months or so, that a lot of new underwear had been added to the collection. Now I've got all these panties, and I should be set for the next few months of non-laundry doing.

It was quite the beautiful day today. I spent most of said day within the walls of game stops. That's okay, because Frank was there. Okay, yeah. I know. I gotta cheer him up, because he just seems so unhappy. It seriously seems as though that unhappiness is just a serious side effect of employment at game stop. Crazian John is miserable too, but that's not too much of a change. At least he has something tangible to point a finger at, in regards to his upsettedness. No, I don't care if upsettedness isn't a word.

In other news, yesterday, I bought a book from Barnes and Nobel. An astrology book by the name of, The Secret Language of Relationships. It's a pretty cool book, because it breaks all the signs down by weeks, explains and defines each week, and matches each week up. It's pretty good stuff, and something that's needed to be in my collection for a while. I only bought it because I had my last game stop paycheck with me, and knew I could get the discount. I paid 25 bucks, after tax, for a 35 dollar (pre-tax) book.

Fucking real.

I could sit here and write about how dinner was with the game stop people at the diner, but I don't feel like it. Too much typing for something I don't feel like writing about. It was fun. There ya go.

Other than that... uh... my fucking back is killing me. I must have pulled a muscle or something, because every now and again, my back starts fucking up on me. I'll sit up, and get shots of pain up my back. It kinda sucks. Well, who am I kidding, it's a lot of pain. Should make sex interesting, but that remains to be seen, seeing as how I just hurt myself today.

It'll be okay. I'm a trooper.

So, I guess that's it for me tonight. Time to go to bed, and prepare to be a moive star in the morning. *blows a big kiss, and winks*

Love and adoraiton,

Pam

Written, Saturday, Mar. 15, 2003 at around: 12:00 AM

Shoulda wrote a poem....

Good morning,

I don't know what to comment on right now. I'm left with nothing to say... how odd. Maybe it's because I'm living within my right brain or something.

Who knows. Whatever.

As much as I'd like to update normally, I really don't think I can. I'm feeling poetic at the moment, and I'd like to write a poem for you guys. The problem is that I'm not sure if you guys would really care if were to write a poem or not. So, I guess I'll sit here for a few minutes, and debate upon writing a poem and if it would be worth my effort at all. I mean, a lot of you readers have expressed to me in the past that you really like my poetrey, -some crazy fucks said it's the best they've ever read, LMAO!- but I doubt you're all in the mood to read one. Poems are kinda sappy.

Although it feels like everyone might want to read a good, deep, intense poem, I doubt I'll do it. Yes I will... No I won't.... Yes I will. Well, if I do, then perhaps I'll do it right before I'd have to procrastinate, and write a poem at the last minute. Then no one would read it, and I'd be all quiet about it, and end up feeling guilty afterwords, because I should have just written a poem when I first thought about it. No poem for ya'll tonight!

That's nice!

So.... I smell faintly like my boyfriend right now. Yep, it needed to be said.

Wow, I honestly don't have much of anything to say. Maybe I'll go grab a sheet of paper, and write my own poem. Oh... nah, it wouldn't be worth it if I can't share it. I guess I'll wait for another entry, on another night. It'll make more sense then, and I'll remember not to procrastinate next time.

Love and adoration,

Pam

Written, Friday, Mar. 14, 2003 at around: 4:41 PM

That Star Quality *.*

Hello,

My name is Pam, and um... well, I really don't have anything after that. So, it's been decided that although life kind of sucks, it's not that bad. Everyone has problems, but only some people are able to look past said problems and enjoy what life has to offer anyway.

I'm gonna try to do that.

Today I went to a sorta job interview. I woke up at 7:30, on purpose. That was quite a change from the whenever:I feel like it o'clock that I've become accustomed to. Right now the IT field is shit for jobs. Like, really. Yesterday, some lady was like, "What kind of work are you looking for?" I say, "I'm interested in IT managment, network administration, help desk... something like that." She took a deep breath, and sighed, "Oooh, sweetie, I'm sorry..." and her mind seemed to drift off to somewhere happier. Perhaps the medical feild.

So for now, I'm going to have to settle for administrative level positions if I would like to work. That's not so bad, really. It's better than joining the navy, working at Zoos, in a graveyard, or something like that. One day this journal will get me shot. Being shot is not currently on my schedule of items.

Speaking of schedules... I bought an organizer the other day. It's been a while since I made an attempt to be organized, and it's a welcome change. Whenever I actually keep track of things, my mind is much less clouded. Actualy, I really enjoy being organized, and organizing things. The problem is, that at home, I don't really put forth any effort in the "organizing" direction. I'm kinda lazy. Well, my DVDs and games are organized. The less clutter in my little brain the better. This brain is naturally absent, and that proves to be dangerous.

Anyway... The movie is still a part of my weekly schedule. I'm shooting on saturday and sunday. It should prove to be very interesting. My entire weekend is going into this, and I haven't really complained about that. I don't think I want to. *thinks* Naw man, I'm cool.

The movie is a good stepping stone for my troubled little mind, because it makes me think that I'm doing something important. Plus, it could be one of the first main steps into an actual career. Let me not get too optmistic just yet, because that tends to get in the way of reality quite often. Let's just see the film get sold first, and then we'll talk about my potential star quality.

LOL-- me, star quality. That's laughable. I'm a big huge nerd, and I have no sense of style. I'm not cool. Well, perhaps that'll be my selling point when I'm famous. Oh yeah... that reminds me... I had that plan to be famous by the time I'm 23. Well, I've been sitting on my ass too long. Hopefuly once I have expendable cash, I can go get my headshots done, and go on auditions on a regular basis again.

Well, I have to go to a couple of game stops before the day is over. Wish me luck, and no financial hardships.

Love and adoration,

Pam