Are poems worth the effort if no one understands them?

I am awake

Wide awake. I'm so awake that I know I won't fall asleep. I'm also still not feeling well, so that adds to the no desire to fall asleep kick.

I saw the third terminator movie today. I'd go into the plot, but if you've seen the other two, you know how it goes. John Conner is going to stop judgment day, and help rebuild the world. The Terminator guy is supposed to save him. Oh yeah, and the bad guy is a bad girl in this movie.

She was sexy... and for a 50 year old man, Arnold is quite the sexpot himself, naked in the desert.

I'll give out some crucial plot details later (Such as who dies, the funniest parts of the movie, and other things to ruin the film for everyone), when I'm not totally beat.

My apartment is still marginally clean. Things are mostly put away where they belong, and it smells nice in here. It's weird to come home to a clean living room.

Well, by most people's standards, my living room still isn't clean. I have shit all over my table that I just can't bring myself to throw/put away, and most of my non-dvd or game related televisual accessories are on the floor. It's still nice.

It's also so nice to sit here in my livingroom, with just panties and an un-buttoned button-down shirt on, and use the internet. God bless technology.

Okay, I'm at home, and have some time to write, so let me get deep on you, and throw down a little bit.

I arrived in center city kinda early to meet trice, so I headed into Liberty Place to go look around in the bookstore. As always, I found my way into the New Age/Astrology section, and picked up a few books. One of my favorites (Which I still don't own, but will someday) is The Secret Language of Birthdays. It's one of those really big books they put on the top shelf.

I read Frank's birthday. I haven't seen that book since before he and I became close, so it had been a long time since I looked at his day. Before, I didn't have anything to really relate it to anyway. I'll be damned if his day doesn't fit him to a T. It was interesting. Nothing negitive, just really his real personality. It made me smile.

Then I read my mom's birthday, John's birthday, my pop-pop's birthday, Leighann's birthday, and Illy's birthday. After all that reading, I finally went back to my day. In this book, every day has a title. The title of my day is, "The Day of Poetic Song."

It's so sad. So very sad, and so very true. They call January 31rst the day of poetic song, because people born on my birthday are supposedly people who have a lot of deep and/or important things to say, but no one takes them seriously. It's funny, because as I think about that, it almost makes me want to cry. That's because I really want people to understand me, but since I have this weird demenour, a lot of people look at me like a little kid, or an item.

Yeah, I'm often very superficial. Little things get me excited, and I'm not afraid to show it. Laughing out loud, smiling, and having a passion for the beauty in virtually everything natural are things that I really like about my personality. I guess people see those things, and they automatically assume that I'm horribly childish. I guess so.

I love big groups of people and attention, too. All I really want in life is to be liked and loved. I suppose I am a child in that way; I need the approval of everyone else to make it from one day to another. The problem is that I am an adult who feels so desperatly misunderstood. So, I spend every waking hour of my day singing this poetic song that only I understand. I design my own lyrics, and everyone is so wrapped up in the beat of the song, they miss the meaning within the melody entierly.

Ah, so is life, yes?

I could cry.

Anyway-- enough of me being mellodramatic. That's what oreobarbie is for. I'm going to drink some soda to soothe my throat. Have a great night, and an even better tomorrow.

,noitaroda dna evoL

maP

Written, Tuesday, Jul. 01, 2003 at around: 1:44 PM

Layout update... an image!

While actually doing work I came accross the little girl at the library computer, and decided she had to be on my layout.

Yes, I am stealing bandwith from whoever hosts that image (I've since lost the url.. it's in the source code, go look if you really care).

She's adorable, and kicks ass. I thought about putting an inaproprate quote beneath her like, "This miabogard bitch is really fucked up," or the high class, "Porn loads so slowly at the library." A minor, "How many cats can you eat before your high risk for Sars," crossed my mind, but even I tire of those jokes.

Okay, that's all.

L&A

P

Written, Tuesday, Jul. 01, 2003 at around: 9:39 AM

It's good to be exausted

Hey, hi, and whatup?

Yo, this bagel, banana and orange juice lunch kicks ass.... oh, and I�m kind of exhausted.

Lemme tell ya�ll why!

Work was okay yesterday, I suppose. I got a ton of assignments, which I�m happily trudging away at, no matter how mundane they might be. Oh, and they are pretty fucking mundane, but I don�t mind. *shakes fist at mundane-ness, but smiles sweetly at the paycheck* I went home, and got in touch with Frank. He�s sick. I feel so horrible- he got my cold. It could be a good thing, though, because he hasn�t been sleeping well. Whatever it was with this cold (that I still have, and is still making me sick) that made me sick also knocked me out on a few occasions. The other night, via IM he expressed that he wanted to grub on some really-not-better-than-sex-but-close Casual Dining Diner cake and the chocolate chip cookies I made. Since I had eaten a few cookies (read: three) I got a little inspired, and baked the remainder of the dough. That way there�ll be plenty left when he gets better enough to come and visit. :-)

Oh my god. It must be very cold in hell right now, because someone told me it would be the day this happened. One of the first things I did after I was settled, and text messaging my poor, sick boyfriend, was bake those cookies. This inspired me to wash my dishes. After washing the dishes, I packed away the not-really-better-than-sex-but-close chocolate cake in plastic bags, and put the remaining chocolate chip cookies in a tin. I then cleaned out my fridge, organized the contents, vacuumed again, and took out the trash.

What the hell is happening to me???

I have a longing desire to buy a new set of pots to cook for my boyfriend, wear skirts, pay my bills on time, and clean my apartment on a regular basis. I made an almost normal dinner for myself last night. Who the fuck am I? I don�t quite know what to attribute this sudden rush of maturity, femininity and the return of my maternalish-ness to. Whatever it is frightens me, and I want to corner it and grill it with questions. �Where the fuck have you been for the past four years?�

Yeah, so that�s partially why I�m so exhausted today.

Here�s the rest of the story. People often confide in me, and I get a strange pleasure from that. Everyone needs friend person that�ll listen. I consider myself to be that friend sometimes. When people are going through drama, I�ll shut up and listen... I only give advice and opinions when asked, or if I truly care, lol. Helping people (even if I don�t really do anything but listen) feels lovely, and seeing people evolve, learn from their mistakes, and resolve their issues on their own is nifty.

Yes, �Nifty.�

For the past few months, since maybe April, I really haven�t had a lot of people come to me for help, which is a little unusual. I guess it�s because when I�m unemployed, I make a rotten counselor. That, or the more likely fact that it�s more appealing to seek comfort from someone who isn�t terribly bummed out. Whatever. Anyway, motherfuckers haven�t asked me for shit in months, other than the usual clients-- an occasional boyfriend issue here, a mom dilemma or two over this way, and several Crazian John moments there.

So apparently in the past week, the counselor's office has re-opened for 24-7 business, and we now accept most medical insurance, visa and mastercard, but not american express. Visa, it�s everywhere you want to be! *insert cheesy smile*

Last night, a couple of girls I know called/IMed me, and they�re going through some serious shit. Noy (who is tucked safely away in my glossary) is stressing out because of boyfriend related shit, and taking it way too seriously (but don�t we all take shit too seriously when we�re 17?). She�s kind of depressed. We spoke on the phone for a while after I ate dinner, and she�s telling me all kinds of stuff. Meanwhile, an IM pops up on my screen. It�s another friend of mine, Trice. She�s going through hell and a half as well.

Here�s the gist of what�s going on with her, without getting into details: Trice had an argument with her sorta-boyfriend (the story explaining �sorta boyfriend� is not for me to really disclose to the free world and is too long for telling right now anyway, just go with me here) and jumped out of his van, while it was moving about 20 MPH. Yeah, so she�s a mental and physical wreck at the moment.

So I�m typing to Trice while listening to Noy. Oh yeah, and I was saying hi to Liza, because she was online too. I ended up agreeing to hang out with Latrice the next day to go see a movie (which would be today, as all of this happened last night, but I�m sure you�re a bright person and figured that on your own, rendering this entire caption unnecessary). Still on the phone with Noy, I felt a little pudgy in my belly from having eaten so much food, so I decided to take a walk.

While I listened to Noy, she sounded lonely, so I figured I�d change directions and walk my ass over to her house, to chill with her for a while. Crazian John called me while I was there, and he sounded a little forlorn, so I have to remember to try and call him too. He�s still going through it kinda rough, but he doesn�t call me (or even Frank) as much anymore so I have no idea what�s going on.

I ended up being asked/told that by Noy that she�d spend the night at my apartment. I messaged Frank to just kinda say hi, and let him know what was going on. He didn�t respond, so I just let it be. So I ended up taking Noy back to my apartment, where I made her some grub, and she spent the night. It was great for her, because she works right around the corner from where I live, so she saved some bus fare. Yay Noy! That, and she had been complaining about how she wasn�t getting any exercise, and she lives a good 20 blocks away. A nice hike.

So, needless to say, Noy and I chatted it up all night like it was a slumber party. Noy fell asleep before I did... I didn�t fall asleep until like, 4am. Meanwhile, thoughts are buzzing in my head, worrying if Frank was okay. I�m pretty sure he was sleeping, because of the You got knocked �da fuck out cold, Compliments of Pam Newman.

Well, he just send me a text message, so I�m guessing that means he�s okay. I�m going to go and get some fresh air for a minute. Talk to you guys later! Have a great afternoon, and a kick ass tomorrow.

Love and adoration,

Pam