love deez nutz? (sorry it's becoming harder and harder to come up with good titles)

I'm so bored.

It's Halloween! Woo hoo! That kind of sucks, because I have to do a bunch of stuff. I have to go visit Frank's store, and give noy some stuff, and encourage her to diet-- or at least start eating right-- and I have a meeting with Cristina tonight. Not to mention that she's gotta give me my singing lesson tonight too.

And in this big whole mix, I would really like to talk to Frank at some point. Maybe tonight I'll give him a call. I mean, I see him all the time, which is okay-- don't get me wrong, I like to see him, but I don't like making a pest out of myself. I, after all, am not his girlfriend. Nor am I beginning that transition yet. If other parties hadn't gotten involved in my thought process, everything would have been okay. I wish I was still a stubborn asshole who didn't take anyone's opinions, or listen to any advice. I'm smarter now, and don't need to listen to them motherfuckas.

So, I'm dressed in all black with a witch hat on. Typing at my desk with reading glasses on, I'm sure that I make for quite a sight. I even put on makeup this morning. I never, ever, put makeup on. Not for work, anyway. They don't pay me enough to warrant buying makeup just for work. Today is special though. It's Halloween!

Yes it's Halloween, which means this is the official start of the winter-time horny Pam release. Yes, I get hornier when it's cold out. I don't know why, I just do. Around my birthday I get a bit calmer, but by valentines day, I'm usually back in the mood. Hopefully in 2003, I'll be getting some when valentines day shakes it's ugly head at my calendar.

Well, then.... My nails are nice and long, and strong too. I could tear someone's back up with these things, lol! I don't like that stuff though. I like to give hickeys, because they're funny and on a minor scale, a little embarrassing. Scratching, though- that's mean. I don't like to cause other people pain, I don't think I'd hurt anyone in a sexual manner unless it really turned them on. Like, really. I'm truly a pacifist, and I'm down with lovin', just not lovin' with lashin'. Like this girl, Kelly, who came with all of us to the strip club on Friday --- I haven't told that story have I? Ah well, I will one day--- she was all for this beautiful blonde girl whacking the shit out of her. Fuck that. Fuck that with james bond's dick.

Hell, fuck me with james bond's dick. LOL.

Anyway-- I really don't have anything interesting to say. As much as I would like to be getting laid today, I know I won't be. Listen to me-- I'm 21 years old, and complaining that I'm not getting any. Is this a travesty against man, or what?

Well, that's all for today folks,

Love and adoration,

Pam

Written, Wednesday, Oct. 30, 2002 at around: 2:46 PM

Am I not skinny enough?

So yeah, I'm trying my best to make what was once just an addiction to karaoke into a career. Everyone says I have a good voice. Awesome. Now to take that to the next level, and help Cristina help me become miss Philadelphia, and eventually, a star.

On Sunday, more make-me-famous plans are occurring. An audition way too huge for me to mention here is going to make me head off to New York this Sunday with Cristina and a bunch of other humans. I've been practicing, and I sound pretty good. I'm singing this song that Cristina picked out for me, from Fame. It's a fun song to sing. It's slow, and all, but I like the fact that it shows off my loud voice.

Yes, her plans for global domination are still in my mind, but I want to be famous before these plans are implemented. I'll have to achieve stardom, and have a decent fan base before I can start taking over the world. That way, if anyone decides to shoot me in the breast for trying to dominate the world, they'll know who I am, and the world will mourn my death.

Well, at least I hope they would. There'll probably be a big ass party.

To get my famousness on, I'm going to have to lose some weight. They say cameras put on about 10 pounds, and I'm not tryin to look like I weigh 180. I guess I am a big chick. Not huge... I mean look: I have an alright body! But them miss America fools want a hot, sexy, skinny chick to represent them.

This whole diet thing sucks ass. Lunchtime is now something that I really am not looking forward to. When lunch consists of fruit salad and wheat toast, on purpose, there's something wrong. I have money to buy lunch with, and I'm not even considering eating ramen for lunch. I'm trying to get some good eating habits, and I also have to start working out.

I seriously just ordered a fruit cup and wheat toast from the diner across the street from my job, and Mike D (The dude that usually goes to get the diner stuff for us) asked me if I was feeling okay when he saw what I ordered. I'm scaring my coworkers, and I'm worried that my local McDonalds may be forced out of business in a couple of weeks.

I have terrible eating habits, and that needs to change. Especially if I want to be nice and skinny in December for the Miss Philadelphia judges. That's not a long time from now to dramatically change my physical shape.... See, I'm one of those chicks that other chicks like to hate. I'm pretty thin, I'm a size 7-8 up top and a 11-10 below. I'm sexy, right? Well, I eat junk food all the time, haven't exercised regularly since March, and this is about as fat as I've gotten. 170 pounds is a lot, man. I'm 5'10" so that keeps me from being grossly obese, but I'm still not a size 6. 6 is as about as small as this ass is going to get, because my bone structure will never fit a size4-5. My hips are naturally wide, and a tall Black woman just ain't gonna squeeze into the same outfit as a small Asian girl.

Man, it sure is the end of October-- it's the time for the sun to be in Scorpio. I'm hooorny. Lmao, it's kind of funny, because my moods change throughout the year, due to the different astrological months. Maybe it's just psychological. Hell, I was horny back in cancer. But that is another water sign. Who knows.

Well, I think this entry is long enough.

Love and adoration,

Pam

Written, Tuesday, Oct. 29, 2002 at around: 10:28 PM

You're damn right I'm gonna be miss philadelphia

Well... as I write this ddrboy's "Cumshots 'a' plenty" banner is over what I'm writing. Woo.

Well, enough said, this has been a very interesting past seven days. My life is worth a lot more now that I've seen this banner. I mean, not that my life is more interesting than cumshots a plenty, though. How often in life will I ever have the opportunity to type "Cumshots a plenty?" I mean, my life is so much better now.

Ahem. I'm going to get lots of traffic from fuckers searching for "Seven more days of Cumshots" and whatnot. I get some strange things in my traffic reports. Here I was thinking that I was a sick fuck, these people are searching for "One legged-women" "pissed" and "Orgasam" on the same page.

And I deliver.

So... I could really use an orgasam, now that you mention it. I think I'm going to swear off of my vibrator. This is because since I decided that I really am bisexual, and not a lesbian (Thank god, I really do like guys, being a lesbian would have really pissed me off) I don't want to overstrech my insides. No, I'm serious. (It's been a while since I got really graphic in my journal... I miss this shit) I love masturbation, hell, I love sex in general.

The facts remain that not every human male is the size of my vibrator, and I want to be a nice housing for all shapes. That was a really nice way of sayin that I don't want to inahle guys with what lives inbetween my legs. Well, nothing lives there, I hope. It better not, or I'm going to have a very strange conversation with my Gynocoligist next month.

Yeah, I'm getting the shot. Hopefully it will be a nice solution to birth controll. Plus, when I'm on harmone thingies like that, I don't break out. I get pimples every month when 'ol aunt red comes to visit. That bitch. She always leaves a mess!!

Yes ladies and gentlemen: your new Miss Philadelphia, Pam Fuckin' Newman!

Yes, I am very serious about this Miss Philadelphia thing. It's really something that I want to accomplish. It's not even just because I can potentially make a lot of money, or it's gonna help me lanuch my famousness in one year. I really want to make a difference in philadelphia. I love my home town, no matter how much I complain about it.

I guess I'm going to have to clean up my mouth if I want to do this shit, ne? LOL, sorry, couldn't pass it up.

It's very difficult to imagine me being miss philadelphia. I'm smart, pretty and all that stuff, but I'm not refined. I pick my nose, I swear, I like to fuck... you know, whenever a proper gentleman comes along. I'm really boyish, but I'm such a girl. Whatever.

Well, wish me luck.

Love and motherfucking adoration,

Pam

Written, Monday, Oct. 28, 2002 at around: 12:47 AM

Dude... Nobody reeeeaaaallllly likes me

Miabogard lives!

Yeah, so I haven't updated in a while. So sue me. My period is here, and so is Scorpio. This is rendering me rather outgoing, emotional, and horny as a motherfucker.

That's a rotten combo.

Ugh, man-- I'm having a difficult time sorting things out in my brain. I need to cry so badly, however I'm just not able to do it. I feel kind of sick, but sadly, not sick enough to avoid working in the morning.

I don't know what people want from me, man. This sucks. I want to be liked, but at what expense to me? I can feel it in my bones that it will be a long ass time until I'm loved again. I haven't been romanced in a long time, nor has anyone taken the time to love me. Yes indeedy, another rotten valentines day is on its way. I'll be supprised if I even have a happy birthday this year.

For as much effort as I put out, karma really fucks me sometimes, man. If I do my best to make everyone else's life as happy as possible, what do I get in return? Nothing. None of my friends have ever even attempted to give me a birthday party. No man has ever actually 'celebrated' valentines day with me. People just don't do stuff for me, man. I feel rather unimportant. It's like I'm the unapreciated stepdaughter who everyone kinda likes, but nobody wants to be bothered with.

I just don't understand. If all these people on this earth who come into contact with me like me so goddamn much, why don't they show it? Why don't they put their hand out to me so I can hold it? Why can't I be apreciated? Feeling worthless really fucking sucks. Cristina apreciates me, because we're working toward her life dream-- but if we didn't she'd be like all the rest.

Fucking selfish humans.

This is just rambling, man. The layout rocks, si? I'm all about the holloween stuff, dawg. Well, I'm going to go to bed. I'll hopefully create a much better entry in the morning, while I'm at work.

Love and adoration,

Pam