Living dangerously

I'm leaving work early again today, and I'll be damned if anyone's giving me hell- I got here at 8am today.

love & adoration

pam

Written, Monday, Dec. 22, 2003 at around: 4:08 PM

Forgive the emotion, my period'

This year whatever efforts I've put forth in the past 4 years of what I'd consider to be my entire adult life to not become an alcholic like many other members of my family have gone supprisingly well.

I like to go out and have a drink, and occasionally have a drink at home, but I am not dependant on the substance, nor do I reach out to it for excape from reality. Rarely do I ever go out drinking to get soused, and I've never been so drunk that I couldn't control my own actions, or stand up on my own. Fuck that. Yeah, I am all about control. And seriously, drinking to excape reality? I do a good job of excaping reality every day anyway without the aid of drugs or alcohol, so it seriously doesn't matter.

Anyway, I'm writing about this because I had a weird urge just about 10 minutes ago. I was reading gabi's journal (I'd link, but it's pasword protected, so that'd do you no good) and I read her stressin' out, and I thought to myself, damn, the holidays suck. I could use a few drinks.

I've never thought that before. Alchohol as excape tactic for me? Is that who I am? Is that what it all boils down to in the newman line? I'm not quite sure, but it was a really disturbing thought. I mean, even when I have a steady flow of money, I very rarely aim to get drunk, and even rarer is a day when I'll have a drink at home by myself. I drank in the house by myself the weekend that I didn't have a cellphone because I was bored, and was too lazy (and it was too fucking cold outside!) to bother leaving the house.

Then what inspired the desire to get drunk? I don't know. The holidays, maybe. Perhaps it's a peice of me that misses my grandpa. I've drank a lot more -not like dangerous amounts or anything, just more frequently- since he died, and I think that's a completley concious effort on my part. When I sit down in front of an alcholic beverage, I think of him-- not exactally dwelling on the guy, really. It's just that the smell of alchohol and the clanging of ice against a glass filled with soda and bacardi reminds me of him. I doubt that's a good thing, but it's the truth. So after he died, I conciously made an effort do drink a little more frequently because it made me remember his big hands and the crinkles in his eyes when he smiled. And how he'd call ginger ale and bacardi a "cocktail," and even his funny, not the same color as the rest of his body, legs.

My pop pop was half black and half white, and was naturally very lightskinned for a black guy. As he got older, he tanned from hanging out in the garden and stuff, but when he wore shorts, it was a totally laughable event. His legs were usually covered in the sun, so his legs were whiter than my boyfriend.

Maybe my desire to have a drink around the holidays is because of how I miss my grandfather. This is the first december that I won't see him. The first december that I won't go to Nana and pop pop's house to exchange gifts, and the first holiday season that I won't hug him. I don't really talk about him much, and in fact I didn't really talk about my grandfather much before he died, but just like before he died, I think about him a lot. I used to wonder what he was doing, because for an old guy, he'd go out a lot... to church events and tending his garden, fixing the car and all that stuff that old men do. Even though I didn't see him all the time, I miss him... his smell, his big obnoxious laugh, his flannel shirts, his suspenders, his southern accent, and how he prounoucned "Everybody," and how he often said, "Me don't know." That always made me smile.

Now I wear his shirts to work, and sleep in them sometimes. I smell the coats that were once his and I can see and remember his smile, laugh and touch. I remember being little and looking up at him, and even four or so years ago when I first realized I was taller than him.

I really haven't given much voice to how much I miss him at all. I miss him more than I missed Mister Ozzie, and he was supposed to be my stepdad. Then again, I never really talked to him if I didn't have to. Mister ozzie was cool, but he kinda scared me. Wow, that's a serious admission.

Anyway... I don't talk about missing my pop-pop, because it makes me cry. My mom talks to me about how much she misses her dad sometimes, and I'm supprised at how well she handles it. She has been different since he died, though, and I can't put my finger on quite exactally what's changed about her... it's more of a feeling or some kind of crazy child-daughter psychic thing, I don't know. It just... is.

My mom has been clinically dead twice. Maybe even more times than that and she's forgotten or didn't want to tell me at the time. She's going to die one day, probabally sooner than I think. I've been preparing myself for that since Mr. Ozzie (my stepfather) died, and she had her first big stroke. I'll really be on my own-as far as family is conserned ... but that's kind of my own choice. I'd rather not associate with my family, because I don't need any additional mental anguish, thank you.

Until I have to deal with my mom's death, I suppose I'll chill out and deal with the desire to have a drink, and think of my grandfather. The next time you have a drink, have a sip for my pop pop, he was an awesome guy.

love and adoration,

pam

Written, Monday, Dec. 22, 2003 at around: 11:49 AM

Lord of the Weekend Before Christmas, Extended Edition

So I had a weekend.

Friday afternoon I felt like shit. I went home and shit my guts out, and slept.

After a good nap and some liquid refreshment, I felt a lot better. I had plenty of time to work on the journal project thingy, and after I got some insperation and realized what I wanted to do, I made a couple of really awesome pages using old drawings of mine, and stuff laying around. I think it's pretty fucking decent work for someone who's never had any formal artstic traning.

Frank called me after work to check up on me and make sure I wasn't dehydrating into a pile of dust, and I sure wasn't. He's so sweet. (He gets major boyfriend points for a lot of stuff he did this weekend).

Oh, let me digress from the weekend updating for a moment-- Frank and I went to see 21 grams on Thursday. Good movie, very moving, Oscar worthy, etc. After the movie was over, I was a little upset... it was an emotional movie, I'm not an emotional chick, so I had to sort my feelings out and stuff. I must have looked pretty bummed, because frank was all like, trying to cheer me up and whatnot. Awww. He also tried cheering me up by picking on me, which usually works, and hardly ever bothers me (I'm a hard ass) but he was all talking about this time I told him that I cried over him.

Yes. Pam Newman has cried over a boy. Don't you wish it was you? No? Oh, okay.

Well, I got pretty pissed. Like, Pissed.

Frank's all like, "You're not upset, are you?" Yeah the fuck I was. I think I made that open wound/salt analogy a couple of days ago. Ouch. So he then spent some time calming me down and saying that he didn't mean to hurt my feelings, and stuff. He also told me that it touched him that I cried over him. Aww.

It's nice to know that my boyfriend was touched by my emotional moment of the year. It's also very, very comforting and awesome to know that he gives so much of a damn to wheather I'm really upset with him or not. That touched me. Like, seriously, I'm not being sarcastic. The fact that he was a little bugged, and terribly conserned with the fact that I was hurt by what he said was very sweet. He earned some major brownie points. Everyone give frank a big round of applause.

No? Okay.

How nice of him, and stuff. So back to the weekend updating-- he mentions that he's going to his friend Maria's house to go exchange/give gifts to her, her fiance and her son. I don't think I really want to give Frank and Maria's backstory here (nor would it be my place, really), but let's say that I'm fine with him having attractive female friends.

So I'm kind of nervous/uncomfortable going at first, but I was like, "Whatever. I'm a big girl. I had the shits this morning. Next challenge!" We go over there, and I had spoken with Maria before, and decided that I liked her, so I wasn't all like, oh, this bitch, or anything. She's pretty cool.

We came in and she offered me booze-- Fridays Creamcicle. Fucking right! Any anxiety I may have had about being there completley disspaeared. Frank seemed a little uncomfortable with dealing with Maria's Man to be, but he calmed down after a while. Plus, he didn't say much for a really long time while Maria domnaited the conversation, talking about her (oh my fucking god) geeky persuits.

Maria is awesome, she reminds me a lot of Myheadspace in how sensitive/friendly she is, and her approach to situations. Plus she talks about sex a lot, which Spacy does. Fun! So Maria is all talking and stuff about Battlestar Glactia and roleplaying and whatnot, and I learn that there is hope for me. There are attractive geeky women on this earth who can be my role models. Yay!

Maria and her husband to be... Jeff... told us about this trip they took (which I really want to go on) to this thing called "Burning man." It's a $25 trip to a campground area where there's dancing, fun, crazy people, and camping for a weekend. I'm so there. Maria totally sold me on it. I really want Frank to come with me, because, I mean... sex in a tent? Among the things I haven't done, but intend on doing before I die. Anyway, I want to go on this trip. Mostly because Maria said it's so awesome, and I think I can trust that her judgment and tastes are pretty similar to my own.

She also mentioned this party planned for Saturday night that Frank had told me about-- a Lord of the Rings Hot Tub Party. Hot tub!?!? Lord of the Rings?? Are you fucking kidding me? Hell yeah I wanna go!

"Heeeeey! Party over here!"

That was the little voice in my head.

So saturday came and I spent most of the day avoiding the cold. I ate microwaved food, listened to new music and drew new nametags for the presents I wrapped. Then nighttime came. Frank's not much for parties, so he was all like, "I'll pass" when the time for partying came. He did, however give me Maria's number so I could call her.... and he said, "If you wanna go call her."

So I called her.

More boyfriend points for Frank.

Then, after I called Maria and made plans for her to come pick me up and whatnot, I get a text message from frank. The South Philly Game Stop (frank's old store... he used to be the store manager that game stop) had been robbed. Again. The 2nd time in about a week, and the message basically said, "I don't want you going in there anymore." Awww! That's the most boyfriendish thing I've ever heard from him. I wasn't like, pissed that he told me not to do something (I generally don' t react well to being told, "Don't do this because I said so," my usual response is, "Fuck you." Yes, reverse psychology works quite well on me, lol.) quite the contrary. I thought that it was very nice that he'd go so far as to tell me that he didn't want me to risk life and limb by going into the icky stick-em-up store.

How sweet.

More boyfriend points. Okay enough boyfriend points.

So I hang out with Maria and her not so creepy version of Darrell (Darrell is in the glossary... maria is not... yet) who goes by the name of AJ. Big black dude with a Brian Carter eye. If you know who Brian Carter is, I'm sorry. Anyway-- We're on our way to the Hot Tub party in AJ's car. Me, Maria, and AJ.

On the ride up, we compare geek notes, discussing our favorite comic book characters, comic book movies, and I even got a chance to explain what I remembered of what was going on in the Green Lantern before Kyle Ranyer became Ion and all that crazy shit. Yes, I used to read DC. An expensive habit, but then again, all geeky habits are expensive. It was fun to have a debate/discussion/argument over the 3demensionality of Jean Grey. That was fun, and I made lots of valid points. I wasn't even drunk.

Girlfriend points for me, lmao.

So we get to the party. Geek-o-rama. It smelled really good in this guys apartment (he was VERY metrosexual) candles lit, and the soundtrack to two towers was playing in the background. This ren-faire looking dude walks up to us (the one ring dangling from a chain 'round his neck) "Select your name!" He handed maria a sheet of paper with various middle-earthish names for us to select, and put on a "Hello my name is" sticker. Maria and I exchanged glances of, "I'm starting to feel really cool." AJ looked at maria like, "Okay, where's the fucking hot tub."

Not 5 minutes into our being at this nerdier-than-thou party (and me into my first glass of Entish Brew, a really gross green, vodka based beverage) did we find out that there WAS NO FUCKING HOT TUB.

You mean I shaved my bikini line for nothing? Bitches!

Well, we made the best of the party. We talked for a while with the people who Maria and I felt outgeeked by, and I had my ego stroked. I was 1- asked if I was a lawyer and 2- felt like a fucking expert on family guy. That was fun. Then after a while, we agreed that the party was gay, and rolled the fuck out.

In the car ride back to civilization, Maria and I exchanged crazy mother stories, and we discussed oral sex, being your own person, and variations of 3 way sex. We also shortly discussed AJ's balls, and how special they are.

Right.

Then we came back to philly and went to Silk City. I ate Sweetpotato fries, which are really good, and we got into the party next door for free. Maria and I danced and acted like assholes and had a basic good time. Fun!

Maria reccomended a book series to me, and I'm gonna read it. I only tend to read books that people I totally like reccomend to me. Alli reccomended I read Camus, and Maria has reccomended the work of George R. R. Martin. She said it's like lord of the rings, but not as slow, and like harry potter (in it's pageturningness) but more violent. FUN. I'm so excited about reading this series. It sounds like it's filled with awesomeness from what I've been reading online, so we'll see.

I haven't read fantasy since the last Harry Potter book I bought (and didn't finish, because I sort of lost interest) so this will be a welcome change to what I've been reading as of late. (Magizines & Stuff at work... and the internet, lol)

Oh and speaking of AWESOMENESS... bill is officially the best boss I've ever had. As his christmas present to all of us (all 6 editors ) he gave us each a 20 dollar Barnes and Nobel Gift card. Fucking right! That kicks a whole lotta ass. New books for pam :-) I'm going to buy that Martin book tonight, lol. Early christmas presents for me! :-)

Okay, I'm going to go eat lunch now.

love and adoration,

pam