Fear... Eep!

Hello people!

I was reading some of my older entries today. Well, wholy shit.

Oh my god. I'm really a damn embarrasment to myself. I go through these wacky phases. It's crazy, because I think I've accomplished all this stuff, but I'm still pretty much the same chick, with the same mental hangups. I just see them a little clearer these days.

I say really foolish things all the time, and sometimes I even mean them. Looking into the past, it really kills me how stupid I've been, and how stupid I am. Oooh, this'll make good for that fear entry.

Groovy.

Like, seriously. I'm afraid that as much as I think I'm growing as a person that I'm seriously not. Yeah, there's a sentance for ya. I mean, I'm 22 years old, and I'm still living out problems that normal 17 year old kids go through in highschool. They also tend to leave those problems there. Well, most people do, anyway. I'm socially retarded, and I'm really scared that I'll be like this for the rest of my life.

The social retardation, combined with an overall immature state leaves me kinda, well, childish. Being child-like is cool, but I'm really childish sometimes. That's not cool. No one says, woa, dude, she is SO childish!! She is so cool! Nope. I combine a nice coctail of being really childish, with a dab of fairly well hidden insecurities, and a big ol fat side of reject-phobia.

Mmmm, tastes like immaturity to me! That's really not what I need to be drinking.

I need to sip on a bit of reality every now and then. I need courage to speak up when I'm upset. I need the courage to be an adult when I'd rather ignore stuff. I need the courage to take my life seriously every now and again. I need the courage to face the truth all the time. I need the courage to look at life in a third party perspective. I don't, though.

It's all out of sensless fear. Mostly the fear of rejection, not being accepted, and more than anything, pure-sugar-cane-failure. I've fucked up a lot in life, so I'm surely not going to go out of my way to fuck things up further. All that takes time, and even when it feels like I'm trying, I'm not doing much.

The worst part is that I have all that courage. I just missplaced it. Hopefully I won't be scared to dig it up in the next few days or so.

I got some hunting to do!

Love and adoration,

Pam