May I please get a serving of Hakuna Matata?

No? Ah well.

How you doin? Me? I'm hanging by a thread dangling from my optimism. Hopefully once my period is over, this mood will go away. I really feel like stir fried shit, and the weather isn't helpin' none.

Today really felt strange. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and there's only really one side for me to get off of. So the day started off irritable, and continued on that way. I was pissed off for a while, and the only explination that I have is that my period is on. Someone needs to get some health insurance, and get patched in again.

Only on the patch, not the pill, or any other feminine drug, did I not experince PMS symptoms. I wasn't crampy, I didn't get bloated, and I didn't have these crazy mood swings that I've been having since january.

I don't like being like this, and it makes me feel really bad for the people who have to put up with my bitchy ass. Poor Frank-- he got a sampling of "Don't fuck with me," Oreo Barbie- complete with DFWM Shoes and accessories! See, I like to be nice to my boyfriend. This one is actually nice to me on a regular basis, so I try to extend the same, and more. Today, I think I failed. *insert Van Wilder sick boy shriek* Yes, I just used the word failed in reference to myself.

I feel kind of bad, and whatnot. I'm sure I'll get a guilt trip from him eventually, lol. Frank's a good person in there, and beyond all the jokes that are older than some animals who are ready to reproduce, he's a great guy. I like him a lot, and... Well- He knows I'm sorry, though. Wow, was that a public apology? I think so! Hey, can we get an instant replay from the folks upstairs? ...He knows I'm sorry, though.... Wow folks! That's amazing!

We all have shitty days, though, and this was certinally one of those shitty days for me. I still really feel like shit, and if someone were to start an argument with me right now, I wouldn't hold back, and I'd hurt their damn feelings. That might even make me feel better.

Anyway, otherwise, today was a normal day. I slept till 1:30 in the afternoon and didn't go anywhere during the day because it fucking snowed. I played pokemon for somewhere around five hours. I spent an ungodly amount of time in front of my computer. My period is on, so I'm marginally sexually frustrated. Nothing to do about them feelin's if you know what I'm saying, 'G'.

Throughout all that time, I found a moment to sit back and watch half of LOTR: Two Towers before I joined Frank and Darrell for some WWE action.

Wrestling is really starting to pick up, however it still feels rather bland. Where have all the cowboys gone? I don't know what that means in relation to wrestling... but it soudned cool in my head.

Well, I'm going to go eat my Smack Crackers. They taste just like Ritz.

Love and adoration,

Pam

Written, Saturday, Apr. 05, 2003 at around: 10:15 PM

An extra entry because me am geek.

All's I gotta say is: OW.

Written, Saturday, Apr. 05, 2003 at around: 7:24 PM

All you/i/we need is positivity!

Hi,

Yeah, I didn't update yesterday. Sue me.

I was actualy gonna update, but well... I didn't. Some stuff was written, but it wouldn't make any sense to post it now. It's all stuff that had relevance yesterday, and wouldn't be informative, nor entertaning in today's world. In other words I didn't feel like finishing it.

Oh yeah, I'm playing "diarytag." It's an interesting game.

My period started yesterday. You know what? Guys really don't like to know that. You know what else? It's really gross, uncomfortable, and smelly to ride the crimson wave. It is a good feeling to know that I get one every month, on a regular basis, though. It isn't my fault that I'm nasty for a week. It is my fault that I inform everyone that I'm bleeding from between my legs.

Misery does indeed love company.

Speaking of my period, I was pretty damn pissy yesterday. I wasn't like terribly upset or anything, but I was in a fairly bad mood, for no reason at all. That's the one thing that I hate the most about my period. Getting into a bad mood, and having no way to explain the way I feel. It was a mood so bad, in fact, that I kicked some of my friends out of my house. Namely Darrell and Sharee. Sorry. It was a good thing too, because it created a nice opportunity for some alone time with the boyfriend. He's so nice. And to those of you who know him, no, I'm not lying. :-) Yay!

Otherwise, since I've had a lot of time by myself these days (Yay!!) there's been a lot of opportunity for practice. "What the fuck is she practicing for," you ask? There are a ton of auditions in philly coming up at theaters, and it'd be nice experince to go to them. I'm not really talented, so the only thing I've got is practice.

Going back over my singing lessons, traning my flexibility, and stuff like that have become more important to me over the past month, and it's a big part of my evenings lately. Whenever a paycheck becomes a normal part of my life again, karaoke will as well. Thanks to the movie, (if you wanna call it a movie) my performance skills haven't died, but I'm pretty sure that my singing isn't what it was a year ago.

I'm a little more driven when I don't have a lot of money, or at least that's the way it seems. Too much time in the past couple of months has been spent worrying about my unemployment, and it's time to start focusing again. Thinking is nothing without doing! That's good advice, and I would like to extend that to everyone! If you can seriously imagine yourself doing something, then chances are that it's within your power to do it. It's always really hard getting there, but if you can push yourself, anything is possible.

Jesus, they're all right, I do sound like an afterschool special. How did I go from talking about my period to a "You can do it," rant? ...It's real though. All the bullshit I spew, really is true. I believe that anything is possible, and nothing will happen if you're lazy. I'm lazy, so not much has happened lately. I did, however achive a few goals so far this year. The idea of an entertaniment career hasn't been cast to the wayside, but I've gotta work on it.

Work it!

My 23rd birthday is coming quicker than I'm realizing. Only 10 months! My little goal of being remotely fameous is becoming a faded dream, but I still have plenty of options that don't involve giving blowjobs to directors, agents, or managers. *shakes fist* I don't work that way. If I want it, I'll do my best to earn it. I have a difficult time asking to borrow stuff. Damnit. So, I have to go kick my own ass, work out, and strech those vocal chords. If I can overcome unemployment (And the other, much shitter things that have occured in my life...), I can overcome anything. Yeah, you can too!! :-D

Love and adoration,

The ever positive, Pam

Written, Friday, Apr. 04, 2003 at around: 1:25 AM

Layout change!

Okay,

I couldn't help it. I had to change the layout.

I love Pippin, but the Pam Isely thing has just been siting in wait for ages. Plus, black and white layouts are easier to read. To answer the burning question, no I didn't draw either of those pictures. They have been the refrence for some of my art, but I don't draw quite that well.

So, Ivy is now a part of the every day journal. I kind of like this layout. This is my journal after all. Still, as always, I welcome your comments. :-D Since I'm a little lazy, the older.html file and the guestbook aren't going to look like this for at least a couple of hours. It's like, one thirty in the morning, so don't sit on the edge of your seat for some nifty updates just yet.

So to continue my tradition as a review monger, I've started submitting el journal to review sites again. I took down most of the old review links, mostly because they had reviewed entries that no longer exist, or I just didn't like their review. Like I said, it's my journal.

I'm allowed.

I really should put all those links at the bottom of the page into a nice, neat, little drop down menu. Still, I remain a lazy ass, so nothing will come of it until it really starts to bother me. I could do it now, but I'm more inspired to go in my room and play pokemon while watching Coming to America, or perhaps the Power Puff Girls movie.

Well, I might as well update, since I'm here anyway.

Today was pretty much a do-nothing kinda day. Not just for myself, but for all of my friends too. I had a couple of telephone conversations with people where lines like this were uttered: question: "So, what'd you do today?" response: "Um... well... nothing. *laughter*"

I swear, I called frank this evening, and I asked him about his day. He didn't do much today either, but at least he had left the house to do some errands, which was far more exciting than my day. So, after he tells me about some of what went down during his day, he asks me, "So how was your day?"

I laughed.

It was that hysterical kind of laughter. Like, when you'd like to have an answer, but you haven't the heart to sugar coat it. The laugh that came out of me started in my belly, and rose to the top like ... um, stuff that rises to the top.

Anyway, tomorrow should be a better day. Provided that two or three things work out, for a change. Dayum!

Oh shit, I have to wake up in the morning. Yeah, I'm supposed to go to the studio in the morning. (the movie/sound studio... I'm the Assistant Director in an independant film, remember? Geez.) I don't have to go, but I'd like to learn how to use the editing software. Learning new things is always good for me. Waking up tomorrow morning doesn't sound so appealing, nor does spending two tokens.

I ain't gots no money, and there may not be a ride to the shoot on sunday for me. Mom's car broke down. It was to be expected, she drives a 1989 modle POS. (peice of shit, dawg. P-O-S) But then again, her POS is much nicer than my car, which I kindly refer to as SEPTA.

Anyway, I'm considering not going tomorrow. Even though it'd be a really good idea for me to do something construtive, I don't have to. That means that I really don't feel like it. We'll see how I feel when that alarm goes off in the morning. If the alarm goes off, I'll probabaly go.

I need to be going to sleep if I expect to be able to use my brain as a sponge tomorrow. That, and I've got two AA batteries left, and I refuse to let them go to waste. Heh.

Love and adoration,

The perverted Pam

Written, Thursday, Apr. 03, 2003 at around: 5:01 PM

This crappy entry took 4 hours to write.

Howdy fellow humans,

I have to clean this apartment. It's only 12:30pm, eastern time.... and I'd like to be finished by nightfall. I put away a lot of stuff, but somehow it's still terribly messy in here. So instead of doing what I should be doing, I'm going to write a journal entry! Don't you guys feel special?

I just took a gander at my DVD collection, and it's mocking me. It said, "you know you want more!" I just responded with a blank look, and a slow nod. "Yesss," came out of my mouth, and then I dug around in my pocket for some money to go buy a DVD with. I came out with a button, some pencil shavings, and a recipt from my days with money.

The next two or three weeks will be fairly interesting.

Anyway, to answer a question that wasn't asked-- Yes, people write in journals because misery loves company. Also, like gabi said not too long ago, it's a good place to bitch about stuff that no one wants to hear. And if people read anyway, that's their own fault.

I used to read a lot more journals of people who I've never met, and now I'm just down to a few favorites. It's much more interesting to read some of the unsaid phrases of those you know. It also makes me feel like I'm being a better friend to people who I speak to once a week, once a month, or not at all. It's all an inner illusion.

Well, it's about 5:00 now, and this entry has taken almost 4 hours to write. That's mostly because I've been on the phone, cleaned my apartment, showered, and had lunch and breakfast. There's more cleaning left to do, yet I smell quite fresh and clean. :-)

I ought to get back to cleaning up while I'm still slightly inspired. There might be another entry later on tonight. Who knows? I sure don't!

Love and adoration,

Pam

Written, Wednesday, Apr. 02, 2003 at around: 7:43 PM

Contrast

Howdy,

Today was a very interesting day, to say the least.

Today was Frank's last day as an employee of game stop... At least for the time being. I went to the store, and things seemed like a normal day. The 24th street Game Stop isn't going to be the same anymore. Frank has left, which means that a lot of the clientelle is going to move on. Rob, his sunday counterpart, has left, which is a serious alteration in some of my sunday plans. Oh yeah, I quit. That's no big deal.

So, after Frank left the store as an employee for the first time, things seemed pretty much the same. It was a beautiful day out, and Frank had errands to run. He invited me along, and along I went, precious!

Sorry.

Anyway, we went to John's game stop, and best buy in Jersey. Then Frank drove to his house to pick up his cat. He had to take her to the vet. So we get to the vet (also in jersey) and I'm pretty quiet. I just look at all the animals, and I started missing Koi. We sat there, just chillin' wating for Gizmo (Frank's aforementioned cat) to be called up. As we sat, more people started coming in, and all the people there were so nice!

There must be nice juice in the Jersey water, because everyone was really friendly. Conversations were struck up, and it wasn't even because of my outgoing personality *laughs* it was more like people really wanted to talk. Bizzare.

After the vet, Frank drove me home. On the way back, there was this big, beautiful strip mall, the Promanade. Yes, that's really what it was called. It had a Bose store, a Banana Republic, a Kenneth Kole store, a Talbots, and a bunch of other very expensive, very nice stores. All that, and three fountians, nicely trimmed grass, A Chineese Bistro (it's okay, I was confused too), lamp posts, and beautiful yellow daffodils. Frank drove through the plaza, which was pretty big, and we ooh-ed and ahh-ed a lot. We didn't get out of his car or anything, but upon leaving I said, "Wow, I feel like I've been somewhere."

South Jersey really is another world.

It's so clean there, and grass is everywhere. New Jersey is actually a beautiful state. Now only if the fucks who live there could learn how to drive.

Then, I came home, which wasn't so bad, I suppose. I came home, and realized that I had nothing to eat. The cat didn't have anything to eat either, which meant that I couldn't just ignore the lack of food. That sucked. So, I grabbed the last of my money, and walked around the corner to save-a-lot. Wow, talk about fucking contrast. I just came back from beautiful, clean, grassy South Jersey to the broken down, smelly, asphalt lined streets of south Philly.

I did, however, get cat food, and grub for me for the rest of the week for $4. That isn't something I think could be done at the Promanade.

My Day-vs-night experinces today got me thinking. Poor people really get the short end of the stick. Everything caters toward those who have more money. So when they say study in school I guess they mean it. The sad thing is, that smart people go without as well. I'm smart. But I live in south philly, and got my next 6 or so days of food from save a lot. It's all about working hard, and luck, I suppose. Guess I better start bustin' my ass, and chop off John's foot. See, that's a rabbit joke. Oh nevermind.

Well, I hope some of that luck comes my way, because I'd like to spend a day shopping at the Promanade by the end of the year. I ain't talkin bout no window shoppin' either.

Last night, before I went to bed, I was a little pissed off. So pissed in fact that I went right to sleep. I need to be pissed off before bed a little more often, because I had some very sexual dreams last night. Some of them I didn't even realize were dreams until I woke up. Yep, TMI.

Well, I'm going to go, because I want to eat some of these french fries I bought. Mmmmm, cheap dinner. Why don't I eat cheap food all the time? Oh yeah, I like quality over quantity. That and I'm too lazy to cook. Okay, bye!

Love and adoration,

Pam

Written, Tuesday, Apr. 01, 2003 at around: 10:37 PM

I'm April Fresh!

Yo,

Sorry, I'm not clever enough to come up with an april fools entry. My bad.

It's april, and I suddenly have less things to worry about. Yay! I know that I have a job secured *wipes brow* and two or three (laughs) things are working out for Frank and I. Life isn't so bad after all.

Geez, you think I'd listen to that optimstic nature of mine. I kind of have to clean my apartment, and I so don't wanna. Although when my apartment's clean, I actually feel somewhat sane, and I have an inspiring reason to clean... I don't wanna. Getting the urge to clean isn't something that strikes me often. I guess I'll clean tomorrow after I wake up.

Spring is sprung, which means summertime is on it's way. Damnit. Summer sucks, because it's hot, and sweaty. On a more positive front, I'm a little thinner than I was last summer, so I probabaly won't give a fuck about wearing a swimsuit this year. I might even wear a two peice, at that. Ooooh, yeah, I'm risque'!

Sexy!

Well, you've gotta understand-- this is coming from my goofy ass... When I first hit the height I am now (Five foot ten) I was about 16 or 17. Back in them days, I weighed about 130lbs. I was very thin, and model-esque. That was also before I got zits and my skin was mostly clear. Then, I hit 20, got real acne, and I started getting fat for a number of reasons. I had more money, so I ate more. I had a desk job, so I sat on my ass all the time, and I didn't really do much else.

So, last winter, I topped off at about 170. That's a pretty big jump. Needless to say, I didn't really want to be seen in a swimsuit, let alone in a two peice. Or even in my underwear in the saftey of my own home. Now, I kinda don't give a shit. I'm down to about 150, and I'm comfortable with that. I work out every now and again, and I don't look fat to me.

I saw this cute swim-set at H&M a couple of weeks ago, and I'm hoping that after I have some despensible funds again, it'll still be there.

Yeah, so anyway... This entry is going nowhere quick, so I'm going to do it a favor and put it out of it's misery.

Love and adoration,

Pam