Eek!

Kumbayah!

Today was a terribly uneventful day in the life of pam. Well, it was uneventful only if narrowly excaping fees on my bills, visiting my grandparents, spending time with Sharee in her room, and basically doing nothing are uneventful.

Well, okay, that's not so cool at all. I spent most of my day thus far asleep. I woke up, only to realize that I had nothing to do today. So, after reading some stuff online, chatting with wil, and playing DOA Beach Volleyball (...On who's lips? We shall see!) I showered and went to back to sleep.

Sometimes I can't deny that it's pretty fucking cool to be unemployed.

I had some terribly frustrating trouble with my cable modem this evening. The fucking thing just stopped working. Whatever the deal is with comcast needs to be resolved. This problem occured a couple of weeks ago as well, so I'm rather peeved. Plus, the only time I really get pissed off is when there's a problem that I can't resolve, and this was one of those problems. I was pissed the fuck off. Poor Crazian john had to hear all about it, too!

My boyfriend is a very funny guy. See, Frank is quite adept at doing voices. From Ozzy Osborne to John Madden and from Hank Hill to Eek! The Cat, Frank kicks out the literal jams with these voices. Because of this, I am now in search of a stuffed Eek! the Cat toy, and/or Eek dvds. There weren't even any on ebay, so I doubt the dvd's exisist.

Wish me luck. Let me know if you are aware of anywhere that sells such items, because I'd be interested in dropping some cash in that direction.

Speaking of dropping cash, I need a new full-time gig. The paranoia of losing my sit-on-my-ass check is getting more serious as the months go by. Monster.com isn't really showing me anything astetically pleasing as far as jobs go. In fact, monster kinda sucks right now. You'd think my 5 years of techie experince would count for something. Naw Man. The world is changing, so I should as well.

Time to find a new career.

If not entertaniment, maybe I'll aim for Public Relations. I actually like people when not in a retail setting. I even liked the customers that I had when I worked at the diner. We shall see.

Well, it's sleepy time.

Love and adoration,

Pam

Written, Sunday, Feb. 02, 2003 at around: 6:00 PM

I'm 22!

Hey now!

Sorry for the lack of updates, but I've been uber busy.

My friends actually care about me. I feel so welcome these days, it's a strange feeling. Every group of friends should give a sense of belonging to everyone, and finally that sense of belonging is overwhelming. Last year was not a good year for the birthday of yours truly. I cried that day.

Last friday, I laughed, smiled, *Cough*, and all around had a good time. Frank is very well the sweetest guy that I've ever known. He put a lot of himself into the past couple of days, and I don't think he knows how much that means to me. Everyone came to the party that he organized, and they all seemed to have at the least, a marginally good time. I had such a great time!

Often, I don't smile while I update, but I find myself smiling right now.

I got presents too!! Mom got me the Karaoke machine (yay!). Frank bought me a router (YAY!), Mech Assult, ethernet cable, and um... Energizer AA Batteries. He even helped me hook up the router. Oh man, he is my prodigy. In one week, he learned the basics of home networking, and now he's solving problems for other people. *laughs* He's a rather quick learner.

Sharee gave me a cute little purse and some nice silver earings. Frank gave me a card, that although was very funny, was also rather meaningful. It made me laugh and smile. Sharee's card was rather meaningful too. We just recently became good friends, and it was a good card for where we are right now. Oh, did I mention that Sharee is prettier than me? Oh, okay. lol

I went to gabi's house last night. I drug Sharee out of the house, which is an easy thing to do, however she just usually doesn't go anywhere. We walked up there, and she spoke to two of her male suitors on the way there. I just kinda stopped and observed. She needs a solid man in her life, because all these other motherfuckers gots to go.

Anyway, we went to gabi's house. Everyone was there, and I had forgotten my own geeky roots. I know who I am, and where I come from. The assholes (guys) were watching Godzilla, and I spent most of the time talking to Sharee and Gabi. I had forgotten how much I liked gabi. Yesterday I remembered why I liked her, ever. She's always her. I respect that so much, and even envy it. Ali is still as cute as ever. I've never gotten to know her very well, but I've decided I like her.

Wil was there too, and he hasn't changed a bit. Still an asshole, still cussing all the time, still obsessed with godzilla. Oddly, looking at him, I didn't see the same sparkle I saw the last time I saw him. I'm not sure if he's changed, or if I have. Maybe it's just that I'm with someone who sparkles more than Wil ever did in my eyes. That, and I found out he signed his credit card in japanese. Come on wil, Japanese on your American credit card? I'm Going to smack you.

*laughs* Anyway, it sounds stupid, but when I look at people, I see more than just them. I see the way I feel about them. Some people look shiny, most people are dull, some people glow, other people sparkle. Hey, I said it sounds stupid. Roll with me on this one. Anyway, it's just another crazy pamizm to make everyone laugh at me and my lack of any real faith.

Christianity, Wicca, and Hebrewisim haven't worked for me. I just can't believe in something that hasn't touched me, or been proven. I had this discussion with Sharee today. I believe in lots of stuff, but it's all been proven to me, or I have that optimistic belief that everything will be okay if I work at whatever's wrong. I just can't deal with that whole god thing. Sometimes I think there's a god, other times, I'm just not swayed by the idea of some invisible being hovering over us.

Then agian, there are plenty of people who don't believe that aliens exsist, and I call them pretentious. Right now I'm surrounded by so many different kinds of people, and that often confuses my sense of being. I do a lot of chamelion-like efforts to please everyone, and usually it works, but blending has been difficult lately. I've just been sliding into generic "This-is-how-pam-is" pam.

Goofy, silly, and always speaking like I'm suburban. I blame me being me on Frank. Yeah, I said it. A couple of months ago, I had up like, 20 different fronts for 30 different people, but I'm comfortable. Yet again, I know it's crazy, but I'm not uncomfortable around anybody right now, except for the whole "My friend is prettier than me" problem. I'm even talking about things I don't like talking about. There's so much of me that I don't expose.

There's a whole other level of things in me that would make this journal blush. Well, not a lot of stuff, just a select few. But, as was said in Kare Kano, keeping things inside helps keep us sane sometimes, and it makes you feel a little bit better. I'm learning to be honest with myself.

That's a scary thought.

Well, I'm offically tired of writing.

Love and adoration,

Pam

Written, Friday, Jan. 31, 2003 at around: 7:41 PM

Pre-birthday party stuff

It's my birthday today!

My friends are taking me out today, and I'm pretty excited. I just finished getting dressed. I'm actually wearing a dress. I never wear dresses, let alone in the winter. Honestly, I know dresses look okay on me, but sometimes I wonder.

The guys haven't told me much about where we're going today other than something about a 24 hour McDonalds. Oh yeah, my friends rock, they're gonna chip in and buy me a big mac. LOL! The way they're saying it, I almost believe them. Then again, these are the ball-busting assholes that all you readers and I have come to love.

Can I get that supersized?

Anyway, I have my bruised and battered calves showing. I don't have any stockings without runs... Oh god, I need to stop talking about clothing.

In other news, We're going to war, but our top story today is that My mom bought me a karaoke machine. Rock the hell on. This was a really big supprise. Mom said that she was gonna take me to somewhere to buy my gift. We puil up, and she said in a very serious tone, "Okay, here's home depot." I don't want nothin from there!! Then we turned the corner to best buy. Woo hoo!

It hasn't really been used yet, but I'm sure I'll find some time to play with it after I wake up tomorrow.

Okay, gotta go!

Love and adoration,

Pam

Written, Thursday, Jan. 30, 2003 at around: 10:42 PM

I am terribly uncool.

Wow.

Today I realized how incredibly uncool I am. I always knew that I was lacking in fashion sense, and ignorant to the current styles, but.... damn. Today, Sheree and I went shopping. She actually had intentions of taking me to get my birthday gift. I'm not sure if that happened or not, but whatever.

Sheree and I were born within a week of each other in 1981, but within that week, the lunar year changed from Monkey (Goofy, nerdy, cool-tempered me) to Rooster, (stylish, hot-tempered sheree). Yeah, I'm down with the lunar years. Anyway, Sheree drug me down to south street. There are many different stores down there. Some of them yuppie-stylish, some of them rockin' out, and many others are ghetto faboooo. Sheree wants so much to see me wear cool clothes. Frankly, I don't care about what I wear too much. If it's comfy, that's all that matters to me.

I like nice clothes, but I like my nice, inexpensive clothes that come from Old Navy, and Ross. I splurged today. I bought a pair of jeans that are all streachy, and a soft sweatsuit. I've never spent 50 dollars on sweats. Well, up until today. I've wanted a girly sweatsuit for a while, and today I accomplished that dream. I bought a blue sweat set with pink seams. It's so cute, and it looks nice on me. The jeans are cool too. They're a little lower than jeans that I normally wear, but whatever. I might wear either outfit tomorrow.

Oh god!!! Did I just write about my fucking clothes??? I need to not hang out with sheree. Dude, I heard her have a conversation with a girl in Unica about matching. They had a conversation about clothes. A detailed one. I am not that kinda girl. Many of my female friends have tried, and subsequently failed in getting me to wear cool clothes. Mostly, they always want me to spend too much money. I spend my money on comfy clothes, underwear (I like buying panties and bras... as much as I complain, I like buying stuff), and techie stuff. If I can plug it in, and it gives me a bright light, and some informaiton, I want it.

I can't talk about clothing anymore.

*Caresses her xbox live headset to regain nerdyness* Phew!

That, and Sheree really makes me feel inferior. That's a dumb phrase coming out of me, but it's true. She's much prettier than I am. Yes, I believe this. She's prettier and dresses better. It's bad, because I have no reason to feel that way. We're pretty okay as friends go-- I don't know her very well, but I understand her very well. We're so much alike, that it often scares me. She has these same self confidance issues as well, and it makes me laugh, because we're similar in that way as well. She has this height complex, and I think I have a big ass. Well, I do have a big ass... Anyway, the only shred of confidance that I have left when hanging with her is that I may possibly be smarter, but I doubt that too. Hey, I'm allowed to be self loathing every once and a while!! Don't look at me like that!!

I'm kind of scared, because I have no defined plans for tomorrow. Yes, my birthday is actually less than 2 hours away. I'm going to be Twenty Two years old. That's a rather strange thought. I am an adult, and have been this way for a year. What a year this was. 21 was certianally quite an experince. I've grown, and met some truly amazing people. I fell in like, and subsequently into that other L word. Hopefully I can transform some of the positives from last year into positives for everyone around me.

Shit, I've gotta figure out what shall be done for my boyfriend's birthday. *look of shock and horror* I can't post my current ideas on here, seeing as how he reads this. I have some plotting to do. I know what I'm getting him, and he's going to be angry with me. It's not a trip to las vegas, but it's bad enough. *evil grin*

Oh god--- even worse, valentines day is coming up soon too. I'm not sure what one is supposed to do for this so called Holiday. I really like the idea of valentines day, but I don't believe that I have ever celebrated it correctly. I'm afraid..... Very afraid.

Well, I'm going to go. Happy birthday to me!

Love and adoration,

Pam

Written, Thursday, Jan. 30, 2003 at around: 2:11 AM

sleepy tiredness

Hi!

At this very moment I have nothing to complain about.

Well, that's not quite true, but I'm so pleasant, that I can't complain about much. Well, I think life is good about now.

I'm a little mad that I have two different kinds of oreos in my apartment. No, that isn't counting me. I have regular oreos and White Fudge covered oreos. Yummy! White fudge covered oreos are perhaps my favorite treat. My favorite after ice cream cake, that is.

Speaking of food, I haven't been eating much. I've been so stressed out in the past couple of weeks, that I was eating all the time. Now I'm slightly calm, and I don't know what's going on. I went to this pizza place that my friends hang out at, and I ordered a Slice of Pizza, fries, and a soda. I hardly ate anything. That's terribly unlike me.

I'm one of those girls that other girls want to kill, because usually I eat a lot of food and stay somewhat thin. The past two days or so have been totally different though. I haven't been able to eat much. I know that I need to eat, but I haven't been very hungry. I had a slice of pizza in the evening, once I got really hungry, but I'm still a little pissed off at the fact that I paid 3 dollars for fries and pizza, and only finished the soda.

Yes, it's soda, not pop.

Anyway, I had a fun Boyfriend-inclusive day. Darrell moved into his new place... sorta. He conned frank, john, and I into coming up there. We ended up helping him move a few boxes and 2 of his tv sets. He has to hurry up and get xbox live! There need to be more games played. I really want to play with people I know. Frank kicks hella ass on the unreal championship.

Speaking of Frank, I can't think of good verbage to express how sweet he is, even when he's being a complete and utter asshole. I don't know how he does it, but he'll say something annoying, and it'll still manage to make me laugh. Not that making me laugh is terribly difficult-- at least for him.

...Yawn. I'm tired, time to wrap this up.

My birthday is offically less than one day away. My actual birth time is 12:28am or something like that. Which means that I could have easily been born on the 30th. I like the 31rst, though. It's cool, because coupons, car deals, and sales end on my birthday. Plus, how many people do you know who were born on the last day of the month?

Justin Timberlake, Elija Wood, Minnie Driver, and Jackie Robinson are all January 31rst babies. The first two were born the same day that I was. They're all in synch and bearing rings, and my dumb ass is on unemployment and not getting call backs for star search.

*laughs at her own stupiditiy again*

Okay, I'm going to get some sleep.

Love and adoration,

Pam

Written, Tuesday, Jan. 28, 2003 at around: 11:28 PM

The first date.

I have a boyfriend, and he's a great guy.

I could say I could go without anything for my birthday because I got the only present I really wanted. That would be a lie. The presents don't matter. Even if people just give me a card I'll be happy. Pam is a very easy girl to please when it comes to presents. My birthday, which is friday, by the way ^.^ should prove to be much happier than last year's.

My boyfriend and I (That's so cool!) went to go see the lord of the rings today. That movie fucking rocked. The chairs there made my ass numb, and hurt my back, but the little golem dude made up for it. "Our arse hurts!" I was really irate at the end of the film, because it was such a cliffhanger. I literally shook my fist at the movie screen. Really.

Everything that everyone says about the Two Towers is true. The fight scenes are spectacular, the charecters (or however it's spelled) pull you in, and the cinementography was amazing. I loved everything about that movie. Plus, there were elves shooting arrows. Who doesn't love elves shooting arrows?? Oh yeah, and Pippin is the motherfuckin' man. Who doesn't love seeing Tree men get played, and watching trees beat the crap out of orcs??

Good movie. Go see it if you haven't.

Other than the movie, we spent some time at the mall, and talked. We talked a lot. That was really important, and made me feel much better. I spent most of the time with him laughing, and oh, did I mention that I'm happy?

Only problem is that I'm not on Birf controll no more, so I gots to go get some. Now.

Frank is such a sweet man. I'm going to be all mushy and whatnot for a while, and I know that doesn't make for entertaing entries. Most people enjoy reading of my turmoil, but life is going to suck for them for the time being. I'm actually very happy at this moment in time.

That isn't a lie.

I almost forgot to give him a kiss tonight. I'm serious. I'm so used to just hopping out of his car when he drops me off, that when he looked at me funny after I got out of the car I was like, "What?" It didn't dawn on me for a minute, until I was like, OH shit! I can kiss him. Yay! He's a good kisser..... *Stops to think for a moment* .... My poor underwear.

And he's all mine. Don't fuck with my property.

I gave him a big hug too.

Love and adoration,

Pam

Written, Tuesday, Jan. 28, 2003 at around: 2:05 PM

wow

Well,

My birthday is only 3 days away!!! Yay!

What a last night I had. The not-boyfriend isn't the not boyfriend anymore. In fact it's a little better than that. I can finally erase the "Not-" from that statment.

If you haven't already, go check out the guestbook. Oh that David Aames. What a guy.

Did you know that Febuary 21rst is tucked warmly safely within the week of Sensitivity? That's the cusp week of Aquarius/Pisces? I did. :-) I'll gladly take a half of an aquarian. If you don't get it, go read "The Secret Language of Relationships." It's one of those big ass astrology books that are never in alphabetical order at any store because they're huge. Look for the match between Aquarius III and Aqua-Pisces cusp.

Things like that give me hope on that demented level.

I'm not totally sure if I ever wrote about it in this journal, but anyway... Over a year and a half ago.. back when I was going through my Wiccan phase, and lived with gabichan, I had this wish. I wished to find a Blonde haired, blue eyed, guy with aquarian traits, a Sag Moon and water dominance in their chart, and who was smarter than I am.

A couple of months later, I met him at third and oregon. I didn't know too much about the guy, because I only spoke to him for a while, but oh boy. That was all of my last year-- getting to know him. It was a good year, for the most part.

Anyway, the moral of the story, is if you belive, you'll always get what/who you want. I'm not terribly passionate about much, besides other people's happiness. I was passionate about finding this guy, and eventually being with him.

I have to thank each and every person who believed. They believed when I was sad, and when things were rough. They even believed when I was in denial. Those crazy asians, and instigating black girls are better friends than I deserve. But I am the Tinkerbell, so when everyone claps, I survive. ^.^

It's a crazy rollercoaster, but that's my life. In general, life kinda does stink, but it's better when you look at the happy things, and be optimistic. That's what I do, and that's why I smile.

Now, all I have to do is go about finding a rainbow and putting it in a jar.

Love and adoration,

Pam