It's my birthday damnit

I am so very pissed off.

I am so happy.

I am so... Erm.. I don't know how I feel.

Oh yeah, it's my birthday :-D

Let's just start this entry by stating that I've had a very busy week, and really haven't had the mind to deal with emotional people. I've had a very selfish mindset, and haven't cared much about that at all. Then today, I'm rethinking all that I've done. I'm reconsidering the way I've treated people, and that I should keep with the way I've been and be nice.

Then I call Verizon. Actually Verizon (my local telephone company) was very nice to me. It was a pain to get a human being on the phone, but it always is. It wasn't like I could just press zero at the first menu, so I got frustrated and had to hang up the phone a couple of times. I redialed until I found out how to talk to a person. I spoke to a person and that person said I was speaking to the wrong person. I got a little frazzled as he transferred me to the billing department, and I spoke to them. I was curious why my bill was still marked as "overdue," because I had asked Glenn to pay my phone bill for me, because I'm rarely in town before the payment offices close. The man I spoke to told me that my bill had been credited, but only for twenty five dollars less than I had expected.

That's when the shit hit the fan.

*sound effect of a fan being hit by shit-- gloop!*

I was so pissed off! I'd been dooped, hoodwinked, hijacked, robbed! My trust had been breeched. If he wanted money, that would have been cool, but this takes the goddamn cake. I don't know if readers of my diary have really noticed, but I've been feeling pretty lukewarm about Glenn lately. Like, I'm enjoying his friendship, but love has been out to dry for a while.

I don't believe this happened. Glenn is so big about trust, and all of the sudden that doesn't matter. What the fuck, man? I thought that he was supposed to be a part of this thing. I'm sitting here rolling my eyes, trying to remember that I'm at my office to work. And it's my birthday, for crying out loud. This is supposed to be my last important birthday until I turn 65, and this is a lousy way to start it off.

Glenn's a sweetie, but not necessarily the sweetie I'll marry. I just turned 21. It's not like I'm preparing for a life long commitment. I'm really not enjoying this moment.

So, yeah. I'm 21. I thought about that when my alarm went off in my dark room. I actually woke up at 5:28, way before the alarm went off this morning. I was afraid that the alarm wasn't going to go off at all.

I went back to sleep and had a strange dream. I dreamt that I had to rescue people. I've been having a lot of similar dreams lately. I've been dreaming about being in the Harry Potter group, dreaming about being Link from legend of Zelda, I even had a dream that I saved a ton of the people from the world trade center. I guess I think I have to be a hero. And I am. Day in and day out I make myself out to be a hero. It's insane, actually, because I don't want to be the hero.

I want to be the friend, the lover, the star, but not the person who does all the dirty work. I might, like totally break a nail. Oh mi god! I just feel so stale. I'm like a nice slice of wheat bread. You know, the kind with the little oats on the top, and the crust that tastes of wheat and honey? Yeah, that kind. The kind that costs 3 dollars a loaf, and you don't feel dumb paying that much for it, because it's that damn good.

I'm that slice of wheat bread that is coveted. But I guess I got taken out with two other slices. Those other slices were eaten right away, but for whatever reason the person that was supposed to eat me didn't. So I sat on the counter for a couple of days. Now I'm stale, and shouldn't be eaten.

I mean, you could make toast out of me, but I think I've gone out of the realm of my analogy. *smile*

I do feel stale, leftover, and rather bland. I don't want to be in my relationship with Glenn today. I know I'm pretty much a roller coaster in my own mind, particularly about this relationship. But today, man. I really don't think I'm up for it.

It's my birthday damnit! I should be happy. Anita baked me a cake. It was kinda gross, but I really appreciated the fact that she baked me something. I thought that was so sweet. She's a really nice person. I felt so special that she thought of me in her apartment, remembered my birthday and went through the effort of baking me a cake, putting an icing on it, and bringing it with her to work. That was really nice.

Kim and Drew are cool too. They said happy birthday to me. Kim even invited me to come hang out with her today. I'd like to, but Glenside is pretty far away for someone without a car. I think I'll go to Sisters and make some new friends today. Unless Glenn has something planned for me, I don't really think I want to hang out with him. That's not true. I just don't want to hang with him right now.

He's a sweetheart. He got me a Hello Kitty Puzzle game for my birthday. It's so extremely adorable, and I'm a big hello kitty lover. The game itself is very difficult. You have to pay attention to a ton of stuff at once. I love it though. He really knows how to shop for me.

What I really wanted for my birthday was a party. I knew that dream wouldn't come true because not enough of my friends really know each other. I knew that if I wanted a birthday party, I'd have to plan it. That's not fair. It's actually kind of depressing, because I know each and every one of my friends cares about me, and if they knew I wanted a party they'd throw one. The thing is that none of them ever spend any time with each other, because I don't have one click of friends. I'd like to hang with Samantha for my birthday, but I don't want to go to Pittsburgh. I want to party at home, or in New York. I want the party to come to me. It's my birthday, damnit.

So, needless to say, this is one of my more bummed-out birthdays. I'm not depressed. Not by far. I'm very happy to be turning 21, and I appreciate the efforts that everyone has made so far to make me happy. Besides, it's only 10:30 am. Who knows what could happen?

Love always,

Pam