How's that for not giving a good shit?

I had a serious moment of growth this morning, and I think I'll share it with everyone.

I tried to get a hold of this chick, Amy, who's good friends with Gabi, this other chick who I don't really much care for. Amy and I kind of had it out at one point, and I wanted to get a hold of her to see if I could patch things up and at least let her know how I felt.

I do that a lot with people who I haven't spoken to in a while. I like to patch things up, and it's purely for my beneifit ... to clear my concious and such. Mostly I want to let people know how I feel so that they don't get the wrong impression of why I don't like them or haven't spoken to them in years. Gabi can attest to that, because I've tried explaining to her a thousand times why I don't think we could ever be on friendly terms.

Anyway, to cut out a lot of middle-manness on Gabi's part ('cause I don't believe that Amy checks her email... she never did when we were friends- I asked Gabi to give Amy my phone number), Amy pretty much wants nothing to do with me.

Normally, I'm too conserned that I'm liked, that I'm accepted, and it's totally normal for me to be overly occupied with people's opinions of me. The fact of the matter was that I wasn't hurt in hearing that Amy could basically give less of a shit about me.

Had this happened last spring, I probabally would have been near tears over the fact that someone I hadn't spoken to in 4 years and had some negitive endings with didn't want even so much as to speak to me and hear me out.

Today I guess I really am a 23 year old woman now, because this just rolled off my back. Like I said, I was bummed that I wouldn't be talking to her, but it was no dent in my life, and I didn't feel insulted, or any variety of hurt that I'll probabally never talk to this girl again. Silliness and unrealistic tendancies leaning toward the romance of many friendships is slowly going beyond me (if you can believe it) and that makes me feel all mature, and stuff.

I know who my close friends are, and who they will continue to be, and I know which not-so-close friends I can rely on, trust, and so forth. It took me a little while to figure this stuff out, but I think I've got a handle on things. The years have taught me that people will come and go, and that's up to them, not me. Normal people probabally have no idea what a weight that realization has lifted from my sholders.

I'm not writing this as slander toward anyone (because it seems like people take stuff the wrong way alot, especially when it comes out of me) but I'm just at peace, and pleased that other people's opinions arent like the ball and chain around my ankle anymore; keeping me grounded to one spot until I can have issues between that person and myself resolved, or at least closed.

Actually, I guess things between Amy and I are closed, and that's pretty nice.

Let's hear it for personal growth channeled through the most unlikely of situations.

love and adoration,

pam