New Friend

Yay!

I have a new for-real friend. Beware, this might get deep.

Maria, a chick I met through Frank, is the one who reccomended I read that book I've been raving about (I finished it last night, so I called her like, 10 minutes afterwords to tell her "OH MY GOD" and other less intense statments about the book's awesomeness). She and I have lived disturbingly parellel lives, although she's like 33 going on 34, and I'm 22 going on 23. A lot of the same stuff happened, only mine was a little more concentrated into a shorter period of time.

For once I'm honestly grateful that I lived a very accelerated teenage decade.

Maria is the first non-Leighann (my best friend) female who I've been able to talk to about the coldest, darkest expereinces in my life, and not feel ashamed, judged, or like I'm the only stupid woman on earth. She made some fucked up decisions, and has grown past them, and that really gives me hope. It makes me realize that my optimisim isn't all for naught, and that the me I was at 19 is a me that I never have to be again, and I rather like that.

Our moms are equally as crazy, and I hear my mom speaking when she discribes some of the things her mom said or did. It's seriously a trip.

In listening to Maria's stories of her life, (and being really weirded the fuck out because our lives, boyfriends, and poor decision making skills are so disturbingly similar) I was shocked, hurt, uphauled, and wanted to cry for her. But I took comfort in her directness, and was soothed by her responses to my telling her (Rather bluntly) about some of the more shocking and bizzare things that I've expernicned. Her current approach to life inspires me, because it's the approach that I take now, and it's working for her, so goddamnit it'll work for me too.

It's kind of funny, how her current approach to life is so similar to mine-- I was like her: in her words, a "mouse." Now both of us are living our lives like the vibriant cats we each were before the long, dark winter came over our eyes.

But the most important thing is that I don't feel stupid for the recent decisions I've made in regard to the stupid decisions I've made in the past. Closing chapters to my life forever, and not looking back wasn't foolish or cruel. I'm perfectly happy never reliving those things in life, but I'm finally comfortable living with the fact that they happened, and admitting to my own blindness and outright naive brand of stupidity. I know it sounds like I'm speaking in hushed white riddles, but I had a really deep conversation last night that opened my eyes to what's in my heart, it enlightened me, and made me feel comfortable with one more person on earth... so just roll with me, okay?

I'm finally feeling like the decisions I'm making and the changes I'm enforcing on myself have me headed in the right direction, mentally, emotionally, financially and psychologcially. To see that Maria is living her life, and making her dreams a part of her own reality ... and to hell with all the motherfuckers who stand in her way... that's so fantastic and empowering.

Jesus christ, I sound like someone who went to a fucking group therapy meeting for abused women. "I feel empowered!" Well, I guess this is what emotinal liberation feels like. It's familiar, and I knew it years and years ago... before the dark winter.

Anyway, being able to talk to her with such blatent honesty makes life seem worth living even more than ever. Maria accepts me for who I am, and I the same of her. The lack of judgment of either of our actions just makes me want to talk about everything wrong that ever happened to me, or that I ever did. Not to like, the world-obviously- I'm still a bit of an emotional clam, but I'm more open than ever before, and that's so godamn healthy you'd think I was sane. Or not.

There's meaning and depth within me and I had completly forgotten it was there, but hearing that another woman lived what I lived -and even worse- and she hasn't crawled into a world of dispair, daily drunkeness and failure makes me feel whole.

It sounds like a fucking afterschool special... or some fucked up show on Lifetime. She's in her thirties, and I'm approaching my mid-twenties. A part of me wishes I had met her years ago, but even that wouldn't have made a difference, because when you're being mentally, emotionally or physically abused you're stupid, and you think it's entirely your fault - even that you deserve it... I seriously doubt that knowing Maria in 1998 would have made a bit of difference in either of our lives, and we might have even found excuses and solace in the fact that someone else thought it was okay to be treated in such a way. We would have fed off of each other's fear, and crawled deeper into our mouse-holes.

But aside from the weird parellel lives that we've had, Maria and I have a ton of fun hanging together, and I like her a lot. She's a very easygoing friend, and like I'm always saying, I need that in female friends. She's pretty cool, and easy on the eyes... we share many many geeky (fantasy novels n' old school anime) & non geeky (drinking & dancing) interests. She's like my big sister or something, I guess. It's nice to not feel alone when having a conversation with another woman. How special, lol.

I'm not saying I feel alone when I speak to every female, it's just pretty fucking rare for me.

Fuck. All this emotional shit just means there's ANOTHER birthday gift I have to buy in february. (Maria's birthday is feb 24th).

Damnit.

love and adoration,

pam