fuck man, wow.

I don't know what's in this medicine that makes me un-dizzy or un-lightheaded, but I feel funny.

Like drowsy and shit.

I had some fucked up dreams last night. I need a little more insight on what they're about until I can comment. God, that doesn't sound like me.

Too many fucked up dreams.

Too many fucked up people

oh yeah, I took gabi off my friends list, because she isn't my friend, and she annoys me, and it's just better if I don't read anything she writes anymore. She's welcome to read about me, because the internet is for everyone, and I don't much care for passwording.

What the fuck is she protecting, anyway?

I hate gabi, man. All the bullshit isn't worth me even reading about, and I knew that, but my curiosity got the best of me. It's a serious shame, because I really like everyone else who's a regular in her house.

I need no more scorpios in my life. Trice is handful enough! :-D I made a smilely face, but she is a handful sometimes.

I think this is what my dream was trying to tell me-- ditch everyone who pisses me off, or hurts my feelings. John, gabi, sharee, all of em. I'm going to have to loosen ties with a few others, but I haven't thought much about that yet.

I'm really going to cut everyone loose this time, because I had a shocking dream, and when that shit happens, you don't just stand idly by and stare blankly into oblivion.

I really, really tried to be john's friend. I like the guy when he isn't seriously hurting my feelings, or betraying my trust, but um, hello?

That's the same kind of "like" that I had for glenn, and I think having him in my life was a fucked up thing. I need less fucked up things right now. I'm finally getting my shit back in gear (slowly but surely) so I don't need extra baggage holding me down.

If that makes me a fairweather friend, so be it, but don't most people leave a serious relationship when they're hurt, uncomfortable, or just start to hate someone? Why not do the same for close friendships. I don't think I'm a bad person, but I get the feeling that other people think I am. That hurts more than the potential that the people I'm ditiching actually give a shit that I'm ditching them.

The other day, I almost called sharee to tell her about an audition that she was better for than I was (they were looking for very urban females for some documentary. I'm black, but not particuarly urban by nature) but I changed my mind, because if people associate me with her, that could be bad for my reputation, and her freindship isn't meaningful enough to me to interfere with any potential money-making I can do.

Those are my priorities, sorry. Sharee isn't in my inner circle.

I told darrell the other day that no, people don't consider other people's feelings when making decisions. They'll probabally consider the feelings of those who are close to them... perhaps two or three people, but beyond that, humans are selfish. I surely don't consider how things are going to effect everyone with every move I make. Most of the time I could give less of a shit.

I don't want to hurt my friends who I like and care about (you all know who you are :-D), and certinally not anyone in the inner circle of my life, but everyone else can pretty much kiss my ass.

Well, yeah.

Okay, I'm done ranting.

love and adoration,

pam