The return of super emotional pam

I really had hoped this bitch had died.

But much like the pheonix, she has found some way to sneak in a rebirth. It's unfair. I hate being emotional like this, because it's just not fair for anyone around me. I tend to say things without thinking (read the LiveJournal for additional details) offend people, and just be mean spirited for no reason.

I attribute most of this to my being on my period, which always sort of fucks with how I control my emotions, and also with how stressed out I am.

Saying the F word at the museum. The only job I like, and I'm good at, and I go and fuck it up. Literally. Well, at least they didn't fire me. That's a good start.

I haven't heard anything about my cat. Koi is assumed kiddnapped, seing as how there's a serious lack of kitty bodies in the street (thank god) I think someone adopted her. That makes me sad. She was my friend, and now she's been taken in by someone else. I miss her. :-(

This job sucks monkey pole, and there's not much i can do about that for a good long while. I'll probabally be here for another full year. At least. That's the way I see it. I wasn't satisfied at EDU, but at least I liked it. Here, I'm just all-around miserable, and it took the liberty museum to teach me that.

My momma is going to the hospital to get her tummy fixed, and I'm so scared. I don't want her to go, but I want her to go. I'm afraid she might die. It's not just my silly little fears, either. She came up to me at lunchtime today to talk to me about what I should do if something should happen to her. God. I didn't like cry or anything. Hell, I haven't cried in days, but I'm so fucking stressed out.

I need a vacation. I need to get out of philadelphia and relax and swim, and see new things, and hear new sounds and touch new sensations. I want to get the fuck away from here. It's so fucking miserable in Philadelphia. I want to live in New Jersey for a while and live amongst the trees and the grass.

I'm tired of pretending to be happy with my job. I'm tired of pretending to be happy with my apartment. I want to really be happy, and not just makeshift happy.

I just don't want to be in philadelphia anymore. It feels so disgusting and stagnant and sad here. Everything here is sad and depressing, no matter what beautiful light I try to hold it up into, philadelphia is still just a lump of coal.

I want a job that inspires me. I want to live somewhere that makes me proud. God damnit, I just want to be fucking happy, is that too much to ask? I can smile every day, but that doesn't make me happy. I can laugh all I want, but that doesn't make it funny. I can cry a river, but that won't make a change.

I'm going to go work out and stop thinking of shit I can't do anything about.

56 days until we're in vegas! (We being Frank and I, for the uninformed) I can't fucking wait. It'll be really nice to get the hell out of here, and relax.

I'm sorry this entry has been so disjointed, but that's just a little snippet of how I'm feeling.

Viva la pammie.

love and adoration,

Pam