Last of 2003 (although I may update again before the day is over)

I've spent a lot of this morning considering what I'd like to write about for the last day of the year. I even went so far as to write a couple of entries... well, half entries.

I tried writing a recap of 2003, but halfway into February, I got bored with it, and realized that those recaps tv shows, channels and even news sites do, in fact, suck.

So, no to that one.

Then I started writing about all the things I'm thankful for, but really, it's the same fucking list I've been writing since the summer. Thankful for working, a place to live, friends, food to eat, a cat to pet, and a boyfriend I love. I'm not going to subject all 5 of my readers to that again, especially not an entire entry devoted to it.

Nah.

Then I wrote this eloquent piece on how so many wonderful people in the world go thankless, and I couldn't think of a proper ending for it, so I scrapped that one too.

Now I'm left with the uneasy feeling that I'm going to write another shallow, empty entry to close the year- which would be quite a pity, because this year was anything but empty and shallow. Although I grieved, ached, and struggled through this year, it was an important year for me. Not my most tragic, by far-- this year pales in comparison to my more intensely burning years. But unlike the years filled with hardship from when I was a teenager, I actually absorbed the events of this year, and kept them as my own. I didn't hide them away immediately, to forget about them for five years.

Perhaps that speaks for how trivial my mind imagined the suffering and hurt this year was. It was painful sometimes, but never as painful as the past. Maybe that's why I'm more willing to discuss more of the sting of years gone by lately.

The other day, I got pretty drunk off of two Apple Martinis, and I opened up to Frank a little about Glenn. I don't like talking about Glenn (my ex boyfriend) very much. I even less enjoy bringing up the topic of ex-lovers in the presence of the man I'm dating (who is healthy with gift of jealousy), but nevertheless, the subject came up, and I didn't cast it away to start talking about the weather. I took the subject of Glenn head on, and talked about relationship we had shared a little, and even spoke about the kind of person he is. His is a sad story, among the sadder I've known, but that doesn't mean I'm not completely ecstatic to be rid of him.

That was the past, though, and I don't much care for dwelling in the past.

This year, I don't know if I really focused on myself as much as I would have liked, but that's only caused by a lack of expendable funds. To be honest, I was pretty emotionally selfish this year (for the first time in a long time), frequently confining myself to my apartment or requesting the company of my boyfriend a little too frequently.

Another thing I re-learnt this year was how to be weak. I've been putting myself out the world as strong, flawless, stubborn, and oblivious to failure. The facts are that I have very week moments, bend to the whim of the world, and I do fail, as all humans do. I cried this year-- still, no one saw me cry, but I cried more this year than I have in my entire adult life. It doesn't make much sense, but I feel like the tears made me stronger. Facing the wind with tears in your eyes blinds you to the physical world, but opens your mind to all else.

(Yeah, I've been reading fantasy... I'm all about writing in the rhythm of ye olden days right now! Forgive me, lol. It sounds lovely, though- doesn't it?)

I realized a few weeks ago something that I'm just going to have to live with. Many people know exactly who they are, and face the truths very easily, but since I rarely face truths head on, I don't know quite who I am. I'm on a lifetime journey of self-discovery. A lot of who I believe I am is just a series of opinions I've collected from those around me. I know my own basic principles, but I'm not quite sure if I should be considered of the light or dark side. (yes, too much star wars, knights of the old republic)

My optimism kept me sane (for the most part) and my boyfriend's realism often kept me grounded.

Every struggle taught me a lesson, and every grievance forced me to appreciate life more than I ever had. Although I wouldn't want to relive the moments of poverty, the heavy tears I cried, or even hearing my friends experience their own tragedies- I'm grateful for having lived through this year.

My life is usually very easy and carefree, and that attitude failed me a few times this year. I think this year I finally learned how to really worry. I'm not saying I'm a pessimist... no, I leave that up to my boyfriend. He said to me a few days ago, "I'm a 'glass is half broken kinda guy'," and later that day I responded to him- saying "Well, I'm a 'glass is only half empty because the gallon jug is still pouring kinda girl'." I still have the foolish optimism of a child, but I cling to it, because it makes me happy, and I like to be so deeply buried into my own grandeur that I imagine that my blind optimism gives others hope.

Here's to a year where I don't learn so much, but accomplish more. Less should occur within my head, and more should occur outside of it. Besides, it's my year this Chinese year- The year of the monkey. I'm excited, because the luck is back again, boys and girls.

Happy New Year!

Love and adoration,

Pam