I'm fat now.. ew

I haven't written anything in a couple of days. I guess that isn't a bad thing really, because I have not had much to say. (Yeah, ain't that a shocker) Kim's boyfriend proposed to her. She undoubtedly said yes. I'm sooooo jealous. It's rather pathetic, I know, but the fact of the matter is that she's been with Paul for 3 years, and Glenn and I have been together for 5. I understand why Glenn hasn't proposed to me, and I'm okay with that. Why you ask? Okay, I'll lay it out to you.

Glenn and I have been dating for five, almost six, years. Five years ago I was 15. Three years after that I was 18, and if you think marriage scares me now, I was completely blind to what it entailed at 18. My friend Samantha was getting married when I was 18, and she was only 19. She was so "in to" Mike. They had been dating for like 2 or 3 years, and up in Wilkes Barre PA I guess you're supposed to get married after high school, pregnant or not. She had her dress picked out in her junior year. I thought that was just a little strange, but she was my friend (and still is, thank you very much) so I just figured "usual behavior of a Pam friend." She was getting divorced by the time that I was turning 19.

Now I'm just kind of bitter because Kim's is perhaps the only wedding I can actually see lasting longer than three months. I don't really know if that's a good thing or not. I mean, it's good that she's going to have a lasting marriage (they're so rare these days) but it's crummy that every other marriage I've seen has only lasted a couple of months.

I'm in this weird place with marriage right now. I want to be married, but I also know that there are a lot of single things that I haven't done with my life yet. Plus the hypocritical mindset of my Scorpio-Snake boyfriend aren't really encouraging me to start pushing ring hints. I mean, I like to flirt. I do it well, and I enjoy it. He, however, gets pissed off if I simply hug a male friend. And with good reason. Most of my male friends are the uncouth kind of guys that you don't want to leave alone in a room with your girlfriend. These guys aren't like that with me though. Let's take wil for instance. He is the king of the bedroom. If it moves, he's slept with it, and he'll tell you all about it too. He's a great guy, and I had a total crush on him for a while. I think it was kind of obvious... I'm not good at "holding back emotions."

Well, for starters, Wil and Glenn are friends. Ewww. Yeah. So I didn't have the kind of friendship flexibility that I would normally have. I never kissed him, never made "obvious" sexual advances. I simply would talk to him, and desperately flirt with him. I knew, however that will was too far off of my speed. I'm slow, steady and committed. He's fast hard and ready to move. I'm not that kind of person, and I know I would never be able to handle a relationship with him. Plus he's sleeping with a ton of other girls, and I didn't want to get attached to that. I haven't spoken to him in a while. I miss the guy.

I was in the process of making a point when I wrote the babble above. My point is that I want to flirt, and that drives my boyfriend insane. Now on the same token, I'm not the only bad one in our relationship, and he'd better be good and aware of it. He adores the company of women, and I think he enjoys flirting just the same as I do. "So where's the problem?" you ask? I'm just as jealous as he is, but I don't really voice my opinions, nor do I even elude to the fact that I may perhaps be somewhat peeved by the fact that he hangs out with females from his job. I don't care. I'm bitchy.

Now for some random thoughts.

I really haven't been in a pleasant mood lately. I've been embracing the Sagittarius moon that I have hidden in my soul. In other words, I've been a complete bitch. Without the patience to deal with anyone else's' crap I'm acting much like I did when I was 14. A cocky, unstable kid. Oh well. I don't think I really care. So long is I don't end up losing my important relationships, I'll just enjoy being a bitch as much as possible. :-P So there.

I've also gotten fat. I weigh about 170lbs. HUGE! Okay, well I don't look fat, and that's what's important. I'm about 5'10" tall, so 170 looks okay on me. However, I was kind of pissed off when I found out that I couldn't fit a size 8 pair of pants. A tad bit annoying, seeing as how I'm more accustomed to being 130lbs, and a size 6 or 5. So this means that Pam needs to go on a diet. This is going to be difficult because I've never had any willpower, and if I'm hungry, I eat. I could be well on my way to diabetes if I don't start eating right immediately. I don't want to have to give myself shots, and I really want my future children to not have to worry about their glucose levels. Maybe I'm a little selfish, but I don't want to be fat, having seizures because I ate a cupcake. I really enjoy food, and I find it to be very nice. I like to eat, but lately I've been eating way too much. It's depressing. I have a job where I sit on my ass all day, and that's not helping either. I wake up in the morning, which is even worse. I'm not a morning person, so I do all of my fun activities at night. This means that I wake up all tired and stuff, and just want to go home and take a nap at the end of the day. This is not helping me lose weight. Plus I have a steady job. That means I can eat all the time. No, no, I'm serious. Having money means I can eat whenever I want. That means all the time. I'm always hungry. I need to start exercising or I'm going to be a size 20 before you can blink an eye.

Well, that's enough writing for now.

Love and adoration,

P-chan