Personal and conceptual

Okay, so to continue with the full stream of updates that I've been writing today, let me at least get a little personal.

There are a good 8 entires before this one, only about 2 of them are of a good size, but I've been updating all day.

so...

The obvious superfluous entry bash that's been going on is brought to you by cherry flavored candy canes, Napco coffee, and my overexcitedness regarding tomorrow's LOTR festivities.

I was thinking a couple of days ago (as I often do actually think, surprise, surprise) that I've done a lot of unnessicary complaning this year- regarding work, my love life, my weight, and just the general direction of my life. I usually just live life upon the whisp of a cloud, and this year I was grounded and forced to examine the dirty facts for what they are. I took a long hard look at my life (at least I have over the past month or two) and took reality into account.

Let me be really honest, and open myself up to being poked with the evil sting of the truth--I don't like to talk about what's really wrong with me, especially if it's a serious problem. The fact is that I need to be open about it, because it's a problem I want to go away.

Now please-- this isn't one of those passive agressive attempts to get someone to talk to me about what's wrong with me. For a change this is more selfish than anything, I want to get stuff off of my mind. Besides, I was told I don't write for myself enough anymore, so here goes.

I'm not usually all about facing my inner deamons head on. No no no. I don't like to talk about my views on abortion in face-to-face groups, because I feel like I'm denying a part of myself when the question, "Would you have one," comes up and I refuse to answer. I don't talk about male role models much, because it seems like every male role model I get attached to dies within a few years of said attachment. I don't talk about how many lovers I've had because I'm not sure how to answer that question. I really dislike talking about my last relationship because it was one of the worst decisions I ever made. The thing is, I should talk about these things, and slowly I'm trying to teach myself to open up. I have plenty of ugly stuff hidden behind an otherwise cheery exterior and that's the way that most people function, right?

It'd be difficult to get along in a world where everyone was always dealing with shit on the surface of their mind that is generally kept in the boarded up boxes in the back of our minds.

Well, I could be wrong, and maybe everyone deals with their inner struggles daily and they all have a grasp upon what makes them crazy. Maybe that's why I think I'm a little off. Or perhaps my dealing with things slowly is why I'm able to function normally, and deal with new confrentations easily. Well, I can deal with crazy shit happening in my life, so long as I'm not going through a chemcial imbalance at the time, lmao. I like to think that beyond my ecentricities, I'm pretty normal.

The reality is that everyone, wheather they know it or not, is at least a little crazy, and those who don' t recognize it are even crazier, or at least I would imagine so. Not everyone has to be crazy like my mom-- outwardly nuts. There are plenty of people (and I've been friends with every type) who are crazier inside than out.

I'm getting a little conceptual here, and not really focusing on me. I do that a lot. Why? Because I don't like to face my problems, that's why. I don't want anyone to know that I'm imperfect, or that I have flaws. I think it's the mask that I wear that gives other people such trust when they speak to me. That they can confide in this person who emits this strong aura... who behaives as though there is no wrong in her life, and that anything is possible.

I do believe that anything is possible, and when people ask me why I haven't achieved all my goals, I tell them the truth. 1- I'm not old enough to have accomplished everything I want to do, and 2- I'm fucking lazy. If you believe that you can do something, you can do it, no matter what the odds... but that's just me.

Okay, I'm done getting personal and conceptual. No more of that shit for a good few weeks.

Love and adoration,

pam