Me being a Jealous retard episode fifty bajillion, first published.

So I totally embarrassed myself on the train on the way into work this morning.

I don't always take the subway to work. It depends on how lazy I am, if I'm running late, and many other irregular factors. I'm an irregular kinda girl, so I do irregular things, what can I say?

Frank takes the subway to work every day. He drives into the city, takes the subway and then some other form of transit, and goes to work. Every day, he does this. He's a regular kind of guy, and he does regular things, what can I say?

Sometimes we'll run into each other on the train, since we both have to be to work at the same time of day.

Anyway, today I took the broad street subway. I'm chillin out at Snyder wating for the train to show it's ass up, and I catch a glimpse of Frank on a car a few doors up from where I'm standing.

"Oooh, I'll go get on that car," I think to myself. As I get closer, I notice he's talking to a slightly chubby white girl wearing glasses. Her hair was not much longer than mine, pulled back into a ponytail. She was wearing a sweater duster, with a Victoria's Secret bag holding her lunch and stuff.

She was sitting next to Frank... Who the fuck is this girl sitting next to my boyfriend being very chatty and familiar with him!? What? The first thing that came to my mind was, "Before I get all stupid and jealous, let me try and think if I know this girl.... hmm, she looks kind of familiar, but I can't place her. Fuck it."

So I figure I don't know this girl, and thought to myself that I would sit down very polietly, and introduce myself.

Actually it happened sorta like this:

I plopped myself down in the set of chairs in front of them, and said hi to Frank, who nonchalantly enganged in conversation with me like nothing was wrong, and no explaining was required.

What? So I looked at the girl, who remained quiet.

I talk to frank for a little while longer, and grew impatient, "Well, aren't you gonna introduce me?" And then frank looks at me like I'm just stupid. He said, "You don't remember Sue? You were at her wedding?"

Duh!

I cannot even put into words exactally how stupid, embarrased, and absolutely foolish I felt. Oh, yeah I can,

Do'h!

I don't embarrass easily, but I'll be damned if I can't embarrass the hell out of myself.

I looked at Sue, and said, "OHMIGOD, I'm so sorry! You look so different!"

She's the chick who was getting married when Frank and I had the whole "Table of 9/Fellowship of the Wedding" expereince with the free booze and such.

She did look different. She didn't have on any makeup, her hair was in a ponytail, and she was wearing glasses. She looked completley different, but once Frank said, "H e r w e d d i n g," (just imagine that being said to you in slow motion by a very matter-of-fact guy in a matter-of-fact manner) a flashback of drunken memories came back to me, and I remembered Sue in her pretty wedding dress, and her drunken father and...

Fuck.

There's no easy comeback into a conversation with your boyfriend and one of his female married friends when you've just subtly implied that they might have been flirting or something. You just kind of shut up, and only speak when spoken to, and revel in your complete foolishness.

Then when they get off of the train, you laugh.

Now, if the situation was reversed-- and say, I was sitting on the train talking to uh... Who's a good example? Oh, Keyman. Good example, Frank only met him like once, breifly at the store. I have no romantic interest in him, but we're pretty good friends, and would seem very comfortable in conversation.

I am completly confidant that if Frank had hopped on a train with me talking to Keyman, that he would have done about the same thing.

He's so sweet.

I guess it must make Frank feel good to know that I'm pretty jealous- and to the extent that I'm willing to embarrass myself, lol. I love that wacky guy.

I do not like to admit to being Jealous. That's up there on my list of ultimate weaknesses, but I do have to be honest with myself, 'cause not being honest with yourself is just the worst kind of lie, and makes ya crazy.

There's a really juicy story that I just LOVE behind all this that I'd love to tell, but I won't.

Sorry.

A couple of you know the story, and frank, especially is familiar with it, but it surrounds Jealousy and Turnpikes. :-D

I'd been pretty bummed out this week for a variety of stagnant reasons, but this morning made me laugh, and I feel much, much better.

And tonight I get to hang out with the highly popular miss allison! Woohoo and shit!

Oh, I had a serious revalation. I'm not really huge on commitment (anyone who's talked to me about my stance on monogamy understands this, everyone who hasn't will just go on not knowing) because it scares my pants off. Anyway, I think getting a tattoo is my road to handilng the dealings in commitment city.

I don't think it'll make me any less scared of commitment, but it'll be a step.

I do know how boyish that sounds... Have you met me? I'm the only 21+ Tomboy I know who isn't a lesbian, lol. And as I've gotten older, I've also learned that you'd have to pay me a whole lotta money to become a full-time lesbian, because women are bitches! I love me some men?

Baby steps. Baby steps.

Love and adoration,

Pam